The Meltdown - My afternoon/evening at the Behavioral Control Unit

Hey readers,

This entry is a very personal one and while it is a bit "on the sleeve" in essence, I just feel like I had to write about it. As some of you may have read in my last entry, I've had old demons to conquer and face. On January 20th, I faced my breaking point. I couldn't control the depression anymore. I got tired of channeling my frustration out by way of rant to my family, my co-workers and even some of my best friends (Larry, Rob, Bryan, Crystal, Cali, Sid, Krisy, I know you're reading this). I had enough of battling my bouts of depression without an outlet or a means to help recover from it. I also grew tired of being an emotional sponge -- absorbing other people's vibes and feelings. There's a fine line between being an emotional sponge and empathy and somehow, I blurred it. Without any option, I went to Lutheran Medical Center and checked myself in immediately after work. Let me tell you, it was quite interesting.

After some time of waiting, I let three of my friends know that I would be in the hospital today. I'm sure thye probably thought I was bluffing but the truth is, it actually happened. I recall taking my keychains, my wallet and my phone off of me, as well as my jacket and asked to sit in a small white room on a bed. Across from me in the room was another older man on a bed. You could tell he was there most of the day and he was freezing cold...but he was also overwhelmed by depression. You could see it in his eyes.

I then looked up to the ceiling, ended up whispering the lyrics to Creed's My Own Prison, Alter Bridge's Slip to the Void and ReD's Hymn for the Missing. Sure enough, the man next to me looked as though he saw a ghost. Not a word was spoken between us -- at least not yet. Then it set in -- that dark brooding mantle of depression that cloaks over you, heating my face, causing me to scratch and claw onto my left side while gripping onto my very core, forgetting the gift of life itself. It is an ugly feeling without question and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I turned over and just cried myself to nap.

A few minutes later, I was called for questioning and being as honest as I am, I answered all questions truthfully -- whether it be about any recent dating issues, friendship issues, family issues or any conflicts that may contribute to my depression -- a depression that I felt mantle over me every now and then within the time span of 7 weeks. I appreciated them asking me what they did and how they did. At first, they looked at me as though they were considering the thought of sending me to the psych ward but they saw no reason for it. I was informed that I am suffering depression but unlike usual clients there, instead of monthly, I've been told to see my assigned therapist weekly. I was then asked to get back in the white room.

I finally spoke to the guy across form me as he was more wide awake and conscious. I must say, I looked like a happy camper compared to him -- because his depression was also due to his illnesses, of which he didn't go into much detail on. We talked a bit and I must say, us late March-early April guys have a way of being good friends and helping each other in our misery, like soldiers. I ended up getting some personal pearls of wisdom from the guy and who knows, it may save me trouble someday, if not now.

It's gonna take a very long time before I ever be 100% of myself again, sad to say. If any of my readers and even the ones whom I'm a role model to believe in God of any kind, be sure to lift me up in your prayers. I know I've let a lot of people down and recently, found myself in near state of self-destruction in the process. My only longing is to not be Ron Gunz but to just be good old Ronnie again. The gimmicks get old, the facade fades after a while. There comes a time where you need to strip all the junk off and find yourself again before it is suffocated by unwanted darkness.

To some of you, this is a shocker. Of all people, I ended up there. Let me lay it down in a gentle and somewhat mature manner -- I got tired of bearing everyone's worries and emotions upon the very cross I'm carrying as it is. I grew weary of relying on everyone to help unbottle my heart. It isn't fair to any of you and by no means should I be making myself a burden to any other human being. This also may be, until a big recovery, my last blog entry. But until then, folks.

With Love,



Ronnie Abimael Gonzalez

New year but time to kill off old demons

Just wanted to wish everyone an amazing new year. 2011 was a very challenging year and while this one is a chance for a new start, it's also the moment of truth to settle the score and crucifix old, lingering demons.

As some know, I took a weekend away to clear my head and to refresh myself, although the other reason was to spend time with my fellow "milkmuncher" Cali as well as with her family. I found it humorous that she calls us milkmunchers, a term of endearment towards our friendship and one I cherish a lot.

As far as crucifying old demons, I have a few. I came to realize that I am battling a personal level of depression, all of which is random and so far has no root to be found. Ice been fighting it for 5-6 weeks and shown up extremely yesterday and Saturday. I also have the battle of reclaiming myself from this darkness that has tried to claim rule upon me. I've made MANY mistakes, as well as inflicted pain towards others as well as myself.

After this week, I should be able to throw in more material into 3ra. All the traveling and viewing has helped recharge my creative mind a little. With all that I've seen at Syracuse, Ithaca, Virginia and DC, I definitely have more spark ready to combust.

Until next time, be at peace my friends.