Confessions 2: The Cleansing

Everyone who read last night's note/blog know that I recently went out in the open about how I'm an absolute mess yet open, willing and ready to experience change in my life. I'll start with this -- I'm not opening myself up to change to win anyone back, nor to make fans nor to be well-liked. I'm doing this for myself because I love myself and if I can't love God nor myself fully, how can I show the kind of love that needs to be shown to others, whether it be brotherly, familial or romantic?

Part of the beginning of my cleansing was further encouraged by something Bryan told me this morning (and I paraphrase this loosely) -- forget about your agenda. We get caught up with what we want that we forget the primary goal. In my case, it's my walk. I want my talk to reflect my walk and vice versa. It's all part of growing up personally and spiritually.

I think this was for a particular purpose in my life at its current state -- I found a verse in Micah 7.5 that says, "Don't Trust Anyone -- not even your best friend or even your wife"! I was like, "whoa"! For the current moment in my life, I took it as this -- my trust needs to be in God above anyone. Your friends/girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands/peers will always disappoint you, one way or another. Want to see who your real friends are? Be broke. When they wanna hang out, tell 'em your broke. Let's see if they want to see you then. That will test if they truly care. It will separate the truth from the lie. Thankfully, that's probably the best advice my dad's given me out of many.

I'm sure that it hurt a lot of people when I went out in the open to expose my personal, as well as self-inflicted, scars. Especially people who thought they knew me all so well, thinking Ron Gunz was completely transparent. Sorry folks, there was a personal part of me that I was fighting and that was something none of you could've done for me. I just happened to finally draw the line in the sand and be like, "no secrets, time to heal". This, in itself, is a bit ironic because I'm usually the guy that has no fear in yapping my brains off about anything, even if it may piss a person or two off.

As for how I'm feeling now that's it's all out and I'm in this process? Quite liberating really. Painful though? Definitely. I'm not used to finally getting with the program and fixing myself. I'm not used to a lot of things but I'm just living and just bearing with it all. I don't have all the answers or all the solutions but I know that I'm gonna have a sense of new strength I haven't ever had and it will be noted.

Wish me the best, my beloved fans!