So I'm already up to page 13 on 3ra. Currently, I'm on blank. I've hit a brick wall. No words, no inspiration. No images to really get my gears goin' either. School's nothing special. Seriously, I don't think I'll face a true collegiate challenge until I start my Bachelor's. I really wish I can fast forward to the part where I'm doing it already!
I've also come to grips with something. While I may sure as heck love God, I have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to fellow Christians. Nothing motivates me when it comes to being with other believers. It is this same background that helped scar my mind with the same negative stigma that non-Christians or even ex-Christians carry. I grew tired over the years of the monotony, the same ol' song and dance, the fact that there's always a false sense of fellowship. When I say false, I mean, not hanging out or spending time with each other beyond the church building walls. There seems to be no contact for me beyond a church service, a retreat, a fast, etc. It often feels like beyond that, the closest thing to friendship I even have with Christians these days is the world we know as Facebook. Granted, I'm not beyond correction, I'm just venting out years of frustration, bitterness and anger that has been bottled up.
Not a second goes by that my mind doesn't dwell on the hypocrisies I had to endure, the double standards I've have to deal with and the inducing of low sense of self-appreciation. I can't walk into a church anymore without feeling that someone's gonna act like I'm inferior to them. I've been treated as an inferior all my life, I don't need that crap from a fellow "Christian".
I look back at 11 years and yes, this is the most I have to be open about. I've learned and experienced an awesome God but a very terrible group of Christians over the year that reflect religion but nothing that looked like Christ. The few that are the real deal are gems indeed and I barely am ever around them. My mind continues to feel fractured as I think of all the wrong that was done to me and as much as I want to say I forgive them, I'll never feel at peace so long as they don't realize the damage they've done.
On the other hand, Awakening made me believe that the remnant haven't vanished and that there are, in fact, a group that still shows the love and genuineness that Jesus taught. But I'm still scarred. I'm still beaten into fragments that God hasn't glued together. As much as I believe that God can heal our inner pains, some things have to be settled so that I can simply say, "I get it" and that hasn't happened yet.
When I even think of entering a church building, I don't think of refuge, solace or peace or a community that represents awesomeness. All that is etched in my mind now are the minutes until someone acts like I've never heard of Jesus or never experienced Jesus or that I'm not as holy as they are.
To some, my words are probably immature, misguided and whatnot. But memories and experiences don't lie. While I say to people how sorry I am for the bullies and pricks that showed them a counterfeit Jesus, I feel like I'm one of them. I felt like I've been wronged and never given an act of closure and truce.
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