As 2011 closes and as I do my laundry, I can't help but think back and reflect on everything that has happened and I must admit, quite a lot has happened.
I managed to release Walk This Realm and then re-release both my books, fully revised and reorganized. I also managed to start working on 3ra and while the plans around it got altered and tweaked, it's halfway there.
New but short tidbits of music were created this year and it was great to know that there was still some spark left to create.
This was also a year where I had to tackle some dormant demons, pet or otherwise, and face them head on. Whether it was pride, vanity, wrath, depression or a grudging spirit -- I had to confront them all eventually. Have I won over all of them? Eh, not yet anyway but lord willing I'll get there.
I got to experience new things thanks to Michelle. From a trip to Sonics, exploring Staten Island, learning to creating a budget to making that big getaway trip to Atlantic City, I can't say I've had a boring year. Heck, I saw Joan Jett for the first time and saw what gluttony in a buffet really looked like!
I also forged stronger bonds with people I already knew and made new ones in the process. Whether it was bring closer friends with Rob and Cali, making friends with Xavier and Diana to having enjoyed an adventurous relationship with Michelle or even bonding with Joseph or catching up with Erik, I can't walk away from this year with even a hint of a regret.
Sure, I may have been hurt along the way or perhaps hurt others but it's part of my learning experience as a human and a bigger piece that leads further to maturity. Some bridges may have been crossed and I may never cross again but some I cross now and may cross yet again on a later date.
I look forward to 2012, given that I have a book to finish and more music to make. Most of all,.I have a faith to rebuild. Time will tell in terms of what happens.
Until then,
Ron
Blogs by Ron Gunz
12.28.2011
12.13.2011
some reviews and comments
So I've been having a pretty interesting month to say the least. From having yet another reboot (sort of) to seeing new movies and catching up with friends and video games, you can say things are different and for the better.
I'll start with my review on The Skin I Live In, starring Antonio Banderas. Yes, he is aging but like fine wine, his acting improves. The entire movie is in Castilian Spanish aka the Spanish they teach you in college and high school. As my friend and I watched it, she didn't understand a lick of Spanish but the movie's biggest strength isn't just in the twist and turns but in its ability to tell a story by visual means. A deaf person can get the essence of the story through the action and body languages. It's about a doctor that is researching on developing new synthetic skin for patients that need reconstructive surgery. He manages to engineer skin that repels mosquitoes and high resistance to fire. The twists begin with him finding a girl who almost became victim of rape in a party he attended. He knew the guy that had attempted. Things happen where she goes nuts and as revenge, he kidnapped the guy and gave him a sexual reassignment surgery aka complete sex change. This even included the new skin he had been developing with research. The surgery was too much of a success as there isn't even a hint that the girl was once a guy. Later on, some guy in a tiger suit makes a run and tries to hide in the place where this guy/girl is held as a guinea pig to observe. He ends up raping her, gets shot and killed by Banderas and the subject goes through rape trauma. The part where even I got all "what the heck is happening" was when Banderas has sex with his subject twice in the film. I can't help but conclude that Banderas, like Jim Carrey, has finally played his first gay role. Had the sex change detail never been addressed, you would never think how really crazy his character was. Eventually, the subject remembers who he used to be when he saw articles of his disappearance. Upon remembering who he was, he kills Banderas and his mom and walks out. The acting was good and for a movie done entirely in Spanish, I enjoyed it for the psychological thriller that it was.
I recall reading an article from IGN complaining about how Metal Gear Rising will destroy the legacy that was Metal Gear Solid. Why? Because Raiden, in his new form and glor, makes all of Snake's work in getting rid of Metal Gears look like a pathetic joke. Solid Snake was just a man, let alone a soldier, taking on, through military tactics, large and very gigantic military robot monsters. Raiden? He flings the Gears around like really light stuffed animals. Does it give Snake a slap to the face? Definitely but you know what? It enlarges the opportunity to repackage and re-present Raiden as something more than a footnote to Snake or even as Snake's little apprentice.
3ra is going forward. I can say that I'm renewing my perspective on life so it's helping me write newer things or at least from newer and fresher perspectives. It won't have the dark under and overtones my first two had. They served their purpose and were relevant to certain moments of my life and now are over and gone. If you need to ask, to some extent, my books are like metaphorical/autobiographical poems -- telling my story through images created by words. I believe having watched the conclusion of Soul Eater and re-watching Limitless kind of woke me up about things too.
As for where am I in life? I'm just living and moving on in life. My aim now in free form. Meanwhile, I'm also stepping back and seeing things for what they are, were and will be, whether it's pretty, ugly or pretty ugly. All in all, though, I won't let anything take me down.
I'll start with my review on The Skin I Live In, starring Antonio Banderas. Yes, he is aging but like fine wine, his acting improves. The entire movie is in Castilian Spanish aka the Spanish they teach you in college and high school. As my friend and I watched it, she didn't understand a lick of Spanish but the movie's biggest strength isn't just in the twist and turns but in its ability to tell a story by visual means. A deaf person can get the essence of the story through the action and body languages. It's about a doctor that is researching on developing new synthetic skin for patients that need reconstructive surgery. He manages to engineer skin that repels mosquitoes and high resistance to fire. The twists begin with him finding a girl who almost became victim of rape in a party he attended. He knew the guy that had attempted. Things happen where she goes nuts and as revenge, he kidnapped the guy and gave him a sexual reassignment surgery aka complete sex change. This even included the new skin he had been developing with research. The surgery was too much of a success as there isn't even a hint that the girl was once a guy. Later on, some guy in a tiger suit makes a run and tries to hide in the place where this guy/girl is held as a guinea pig to observe. He ends up raping her, gets shot and killed by Banderas and the subject goes through rape trauma. The part where even I got all "what the heck is happening" was when Banderas has sex with his subject twice in the film. I can't help but conclude that Banderas, like Jim Carrey, has finally played his first gay role. Had the sex change detail never been addressed, you would never think how really crazy his character was. Eventually, the subject remembers who he used to be when he saw articles of his disappearance. Upon remembering who he was, he kills Banderas and his mom and walks out. The acting was good and for a movie done entirely in Spanish, I enjoyed it for the psychological thriller that it was.
I recall reading an article from IGN complaining about how Metal Gear Rising will destroy the legacy that was Metal Gear Solid. Why? Because Raiden, in his new form and glor, makes all of Snake's work in getting rid of Metal Gears look like a pathetic joke. Solid Snake was just a man, let alone a soldier, taking on, through military tactics, large and very gigantic military robot monsters. Raiden? He flings the Gears around like really light stuffed animals. Does it give Snake a slap to the face? Definitely but you know what? It enlarges the opportunity to repackage and re-present Raiden as something more than a footnote to Snake or even as Snake's little apprentice.
3ra is going forward. I can say that I'm renewing my perspective on life so it's helping me write newer things or at least from newer and fresher perspectives. It won't have the dark under and overtones my first two had. They served their purpose and were relevant to certain moments of my life and now are over and gone. If you need to ask, to some extent, my books are like metaphorical/autobiographical poems -- telling my story through images created by words. I believe having watched the conclusion of Soul Eater and re-watching Limitless kind of woke me up about things too.
As for where am I in life? I'm just living and moving on in life. My aim now in free form. Meanwhile, I'm also stepping back and seeing things for what they are, were and will be, whether it's pretty, ugly or pretty ugly. All in all, though, I won't let anything take me down.
12.09.2011
So Many Thoughts pt. 2
As I hung out with my best friend today, we had a very interesting convo. Due to how absurd it would look to post this as a Facebook status, I chose to make it a blog. It happened to be about how the media, many times, likes to pre-program and appeal to genders in absolutely different ways or forms and in turn, help create a massive gap which creates this self-fulfilling prophecy of Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars (although this latter piece can always be up for debate).
Let's first look at us men. War, violence, heroism, power, dominance, survival, rebellion, control. These are the ongoing themes of almost any show, program or game that boys are usually attracted to and fed with. The longing for meaning, betrayal, injustice, searching of truth, the grim reality of life and how we need to get to work because of the reality that life truly is. Being the "knight in shining armor" is rare and if anything, more like a side payoff to everything else. It isn't the centerfold.
What do we usually see women force fed with? My Little Pony, Barbie, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Sex in the City. The dream of pretty white fences, pretty house, man with 6 pack abs, prince charming, "Mr. Perfect", true love, the Knight in Shining Armor, chivalry, romance or the idea thereof, the concept of how things ought to be pretty, nice and anything not resembling their ideal or fantasy are to be dismissed. The concept of harsh reality seems to be well hidden until later on.
As a guy, I can say that I've seen these patterns, although as time has gone on, people change and also end up tackling concepts from the other side of the wall of life. I love the action, chase and adventure. The thought of attaining what I search for in life is ecstatic and having "the girl" in the end is one heck of a blessing.
Therein lies the problem -- what's next? What happens when you get a job that lets you live comfortably, fulfill the best education you desire and marry that girl? Is that really all there is to life? Money, comfort, marriage, kids, legacy, rinse and repeat? Or here's something to shake it up -- what about the people in life that get screwed over? You know, the guy that bust his rear end for 10-15 years in a mediocre job while studying for his Master's, only to end up not only unemployed but also unable to get a job with the very degree he hustled for? What about the guy/girl who's been babied to death, spoiled to the point of absolute pride and arrogance and once he/she is forced to earn and work for things without their comfort zone, they throw a fit? Or even better, the girl that keeps dreaming about a guy that doesn't actually exist because the truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect ideal mate? How about the guy that finds a woman he truly cherishes but she's all messed up in the mind because of all the emotional/mental/physical abuse, which results in an emotional retardation that results in an unstable relationship that drives him to the edge of madness?
I've reached a point where I question things. I believe that it is okay to question, to ask and to seek the truth in everything around, upon and inside of you. There are things that I myself struggle with -- like how can God love such a creation that, while beautiful in his eyes, their fallen state is absolutely deemed unworthy of anything whatsoever? I can't comprehend how he can love such a race that continuously swims in whore and warmongering, hatred, betrayal, false sense of security and madness? Perhaps I'll never get the answer but I can't help but wonder what is man that He is ever so mindful of us even though knowingly that we will betray Him from time to time like the spiritual sluts, liars and adulterers we sometimes play the part of? How is it possible that one can have what their heart has desired and once it's there and for good, it isn't enough?
It is said that whatever the mind dictates, the heart will follow but what do you do when they decide to war within? What happens when the heart wants to dominate, especially in territories where the mind and reason must reign? Why is it that at times disappointment clouds the heart and mind to the point of an inability to be satisfied? How about the mental shafting of experiencing running away and betrayals to the point that when the whack stuff is over and the harmony plays, you feel indifferent and dissonant? Perhaps as though that maybe, just maybe, that wasn't what you needed or were looking for to begin with?
My brain's shot now so I will resume this another time. Just use this to ask yourself those questions you dared not ask at times.
Let's first look at us men. War, violence, heroism, power, dominance, survival, rebellion, control. These are the ongoing themes of almost any show, program or game that boys are usually attracted to and fed with. The longing for meaning, betrayal, injustice, searching of truth, the grim reality of life and how we need to get to work because of the reality that life truly is. Being the "knight in shining armor" is rare and if anything, more like a side payoff to everything else. It isn't the centerfold.
What do we usually see women force fed with? My Little Pony, Barbie, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Sex in the City. The dream of pretty white fences, pretty house, man with 6 pack abs, prince charming, "Mr. Perfect", true love, the Knight in Shining Armor, chivalry, romance or the idea thereof, the concept of how things ought to be pretty, nice and anything not resembling their ideal or fantasy are to be dismissed. The concept of harsh reality seems to be well hidden until later on.
As a guy, I can say that I've seen these patterns, although as time has gone on, people change and also end up tackling concepts from the other side of the wall of life. I love the action, chase and adventure. The thought of attaining what I search for in life is ecstatic and having "the girl" in the end is one heck of a blessing.
Therein lies the problem -- what's next? What happens when you get a job that lets you live comfortably, fulfill the best education you desire and marry that girl? Is that really all there is to life? Money, comfort, marriage, kids, legacy, rinse and repeat? Or here's something to shake it up -- what about the people in life that get screwed over? You know, the guy that bust his rear end for 10-15 years in a mediocre job while studying for his Master's, only to end up not only unemployed but also unable to get a job with the very degree he hustled for? What about the guy/girl who's been babied to death, spoiled to the point of absolute pride and arrogance and once he/she is forced to earn and work for things without their comfort zone, they throw a fit? Or even better, the girl that keeps dreaming about a guy that doesn't actually exist because the truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect ideal mate? How about the guy that finds a woman he truly cherishes but she's all messed up in the mind because of all the emotional/mental/physical abuse, which results in an emotional retardation that results in an unstable relationship that drives him to the edge of madness?
I've reached a point where I question things. I believe that it is okay to question, to ask and to seek the truth in everything around, upon and inside of you. There are things that I myself struggle with -- like how can God love such a creation that, while beautiful in his eyes, their fallen state is absolutely deemed unworthy of anything whatsoever? I can't comprehend how he can love such a race that continuously swims in whore and warmongering, hatred, betrayal, false sense of security and madness? Perhaps I'll never get the answer but I can't help but wonder what is man that He is ever so mindful of us even though knowingly that we will betray Him from time to time like the spiritual sluts, liars and adulterers we sometimes play the part of? How is it possible that one can have what their heart has desired and once it's there and for good, it isn't enough?
It is said that whatever the mind dictates, the heart will follow but what do you do when they decide to war within? What happens when the heart wants to dominate, especially in territories where the mind and reason must reign? Why is it that at times disappointment clouds the heart and mind to the point of an inability to be satisfied? How about the mental shafting of experiencing running away and betrayals to the point that when the whack stuff is over and the harmony plays, you feel indifferent and dissonant? Perhaps as though that maybe, just maybe, that wasn't what you needed or were looking for to begin with?
My brain's shot now so I will resume this another time. Just use this to ask yourself those questions you dared not ask at times.
12.02.2011
So Many Thoughts
One of the reasons why I love the Todd Agnew album Better Questions is due to the fact that the album is loaded with asking questions in life. The reason I love the movie Doubt is because it's okay to doubt and ask questions about things in life. In my case, I found myself this week just asking myself questions in general and if I didn't ask myself any, a few would simply pop up at times.
One of the things someone pointed out upon reading Walk This Realm is that I write some really dark stuff. Granted, when I wrote it, I was dealing with most of the darkest moods and feelings that I found myself struggling with in life, whether in literal, metaphorical or in symbolic ways. It isn't that I can't write anything bright and cheerful, I just happen to write from my current period in life. The worst a writer or artist can do, in my view, is not address the grit of life, leaving people in a false illusion of a life absent of suffering.
It brings me to another interesting question that comes to mind and this is in respect to fellow Christians -- for a group that speaks so much about a God that is greater than our problems and enemies, why does it strike so much a nerve when it comes to facing our darker sides as people? Why do we fear talking about facing our darker sides as people? We talk so much about a light overcoming darkness yet when the question of facing our personal darkness comes around, we cower in a nervous fear?
Even moreso, why do Christians speak so much about forgiveness and unconditional love but when it's our turn to lead by the example we talk about, we suddenly put conditions that didn't exist?
Another question that came to mind, kind of unrelated, why is it that when we finally win the war for a blessing, when finally won, we sometimes initially feel numb to receive it or hesitant to ultimately embrace them? Is it because the wear and tear of fighting for something that when it finally dangles before you, the desire has dwindled to almost nothing?
I also wonder why do people at times use others as crutches and braces instead of summoning the strength within to face life? I understand that as humans, we all desire to be with one another to some capacity -- it's just one of those random curiosities of life you know?
Who knows, I guess after a while, you start to finally stop and smell the roses of life and instead of just going with the flow you decide to stop, question and ask the questions that perhaps you never bothered to ask before. Heck, here's another one, why is it that when I was a kid, it seemed like God answered every prayer and made himself very real but once you reach adulthood, He seems a little farther than the usual to the point that you begin to doubt a little?
Here's one thing I forgot to jot down. As of late, with everything going on, I've been feeling a sense of not being satisfied. Nothing seems to be enough. Even with all that I do have, I can't help but feel like something's missing or that there is something more that I haven't attained, won over or even achieved. Is there something missing in the picture? Is it being in a state of interpersonal harmony that seems to be in a state of utter dissonance? Only God knows for sure but I can't help but wonder if there's something beyond what I have and am that I need to reach. Like, what is it in a human being that can drive you to feel like you need more of something. I can't even say it's lust, fixation, gluttony or greed. It's more like a burning desire or even obsession to feel satisfied. Perhaps? Who knows!
While I do embrace my hard fought blessings that finally come my way and my faith hasn't shaken by much, there are times where I can't help but wonder why at times when it comes to those things. Most of the time, I don't question and just either run with the current or against it if necessary but you'll always have those, "Hmm, why is it that..." moments. Perhaps it's my soul's way of telling me to continue discovering more of who I am as a human being and furthermore my purpose in this vast universe.
One of the things someone pointed out upon reading Walk This Realm is that I write some really dark stuff. Granted, when I wrote it, I was dealing with most of the darkest moods and feelings that I found myself struggling with in life, whether in literal, metaphorical or in symbolic ways. It isn't that I can't write anything bright and cheerful, I just happen to write from my current period in life. The worst a writer or artist can do, in my view, is not address the grit of life, leaving people in a false illusion of a life absent of suffering.
It brings me to another interesting question that comes to mind and this is in respect to fellow Christians -- for a group that speaks so much about a God that is greater than our problems and enemies, why does it strike so much a nerve when it comes to facing our darker sides as people? Why do we fear talking about facing our darker sides as people? We talk so much about a light overcoming darkness yet when the question of facing our personal darkness comes around, we cower in a nervous fear?
Even moreso, why do Christians speak so much about forgiveness and unconditional love but when it's our turn to lead by the example we talk about, we suddenly put conditions that didn't exist?
Another question that came to mind, kind of unrelated, why is it that when we finally win the war for a blessing, when finally won, we sometimes initially feel numb to receive it or hesitant to ultimately embrace them? Is it because the wear and tear of fighting for something that when it finally dangles before you, the desire has dwindled to almost nothing?
I also wonder why do people at times use others as crutches and braces instead of summoning the strength within to face life? I understand that as humans, we all desire to be with one another to some capacity -- it's just one of those random curiosities of life you know?
Who knows, I guess after a while, you start to finally stop and smell the roses of life and instead of just going with the flow you decide to stop, question and ask the questions that perhaps you never bothered to ask before. Heck, here's another one, why is it that when I was a kid, it seemed like God answered every prayer and made himself very real but once you reach adulthood, He seems a little farther than the usual to the point that you begin to doubt a little?
Here's one thing I forgot to jot down. As of late, with everything going on, I've been feeling a sense of not being satisfied. Nothing seems to be enough. Even with all that I do have, I can't help but feel like something's missing or that there is something more that I haven't attained, won over or even achieved. Is there something missing in the picture? Is it being in a state of interpersonal harmony that seems to be in a state of utter dissonance? Only God knows for sure but I can't help but wonder if there's something beyond what I have and am that I need to reach. Like, what is it in a human being that can drive you to feel like you need more of something. I can't even say it's lust, fixation, gluttony or greed. It's more like a burning desire or even obsession to feel satisfied. Perhaps? Who knows!
While I do embrace my hard fought blessings that finally come my way and my faith hasn't shaken by much, there are times where I can't help but wonder why at times when it comes to those things. Most of the time, I don't question and just either run with the current or against it if necessary but you'll always have those, "Hmm, why is it that..." moments. Perhaps it's my soul's way of telling me to continue discovering more of who I am as a human being and furthermore my purpose in this vast universe.
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