So Many Thoughts

One of the reasons why I love the Todd Agnew album Better Questions is due to the fact that the album is loaded with asking questions in life. The reason I love the movie Doubt is because it's okay to doubt and ask questions about things in life. In my case, I found myself this week just asking myself questions in general and if I didn't ask myself any, a few would simply pop up at times.

One of the things someone pointed out upon reading Walk This Realm is that I write some really dark stuff. Granted, when I wrote it, I was dealing with most of the darkest moods and feelings that I found myself struggling with in life, whether in literal, metaphorical or in symbolic ways. It isn't that I can't write anything bright and cheerful, I just happen to write from my current period in life. The worst a writer or artist can do, in my view, is not address the grit of life, leaving people in a false illusion of a life absent of suffering.

It brings me to another interesting question that comes to mind and this is in respect to fellow Christians -- for a group that speaks so much about a God that is greater than our problems and enemies, why does it strike so much a nerve when it comes to facing our darker sides as people? Why do we fear talking about facing our darker sides as people? We talk so much about a light overcoming darkness yet when the question of facing our personal darkness comes around, we cower in a nervous fear?

Even moreso, why do Christians speak so much about forgiveness and unconditional love but when it's our turn to lead by the example we talk about, we suddenly put conditions that didn't exist?

Another question that came to mind, kind of unrelated, why is it that when we finally win the war for a blessing, when finally won, we sometimes initially feel numb to receive it or hesitant to ultimately embrace them? Is it because the wear and tear of fighting for something that when it finally dangles before you, the desire has dwindled to almost nothing?

I also wonder why do people at times use others as crutches and braces instead of summoning the strength within to face life? I understand that as humans, we all desire to be with one another to some capacity -- it's just one of those random curiosities of life you know?

Who knows, I guess after a while, you start to finally stop and smell the roses of life and instead of just going with the flow you decide to stop, question and ask the questions that perhaps you never bothered to ask before. Heck, here's another one, why is it that when I was a kid, it seemed like God answered every prayer and made himself very real but once you reach adulthood, He seems a little farther than the usual to the point that you begin to doubt a little?

Here's one thing I forgot to jot down. As of late, with everything going on, I've been feeling a sense of not being satisfied. Nothing seems to be enough. Even with all that I do have, I can't help but feel like something's missing or that there is something more that I haven't attained, won over or even achieved. Is there something missing in the picture? Is it being in a state of interpersonal harmony that seems to be in a state of utter dissonance? Only God knows for sure but I can't help but wonder if there's something beyond what I have and am that I need to reach. Like, what is it in a human being that can drive you to feel like you need more of something. I can't even say it's lust, fixation, gluttony or greed. It's more like a burning desire or even obsession to feel satisfied. Perhaps? Who knows!

While I do embrace my hard fought blessings that finally come my way and my faith hasn't shaken by much, there are times where I can't help but wonder why at times when it comes to those things. Most of the time, I don't question and just either run with the current or against it if necessary but you'll always have those, "Hmm, why is it that..." moments. Perhaps it's my soul's way of telling me to continue discovering more of who I am as a human being and furthermore my purpose in this vast universe.