I thought I'd take time to write this before it slips my memory. In the midst of the past 2 1/2 years, I've been dealing with being strong for people around me, trying to get my life together, etc. But there's something I NEVER got to do -- grieve.
That's right, it's always been about everyone else's pain and misery about a loss but I never got the silent time and space to grieve. Part of it is my fault as I've done all in my power to avoid doing what needs to be done. Grieving is a very ugly thing and something I've been unable to muster the strength to do.
It is very much like facing the demon you've avoided all your life but now you're locked in and have to face it. It's very unsettling and painful. It doesn't help when those around me are either hounding at me in the middle of a process that I've decided to confront head on. Will I be okay? Time will tell. I always feared that this grief would be the death of me but thank God there's some gracious strength waiting to wrap itself around me as I finally confront it all.
As it is, I'm also considering saving up to move out. Why? I'm 26, have two jobs, a half time college student and as much as I know I got it good right now, there comes a time when a young man's gotta fly.
I also recognize that in the past month alone I've made some effin' stupid mistakes -- whether it be saying the wrong thing or saying things in the wrong way or not thinking ahead about things. Those people know who they are and know what I speak of. There are areas I'm still a bit green in and still in a process of maturation but hey, that's life and I'm doing what I can.
You can't simply brush off the brooding and need to grieve -- it's something that has to be confronted and taken care of before it chips at your very identity in the long run.
Blogs by Ron Gunz
2.28.2011
2.18.2011
the Role Model
With all the business and drama we call life, it's no surprise that I haven't written anything new as of late. Thankfully, after attending a children's service/mass (whichever you prefer to call it), something clicked. It made me remember a sermon I gave once at Hebrews 11 church back in 2006.
In a world where there's so much corruption, stagnancy, cynicism and futility, kids today need role models. You know, those people that led by good example worthy of looking up to and provided positive influence to people everywhere. There's so many role models I had growing up and some I still have today.
I'd have to start with Bret Hart. His character in wrestling, for what he's worth, was worthy to look up to. From delivering amazing matches, putting sunglasses on little kids to visiting sick kids in the hospitals to just simply never giving up in a match -- he was my role model in wrestling. Of course, after reading his autobiography, I found that his image is more squeaky clean than his actual person but again, I have the hero in his in-ring character.
Another hero in my life (and one of the biggest), is my dad. Yeah, he didn't finish college and sure, he's on disability but consider this -- every day of his life, he busted his butt to apply himself, be a man, a good husband and a great father, even with his moments where you just want to roll your eyes or run for dear life. Even in his hardest moments, he never ceases to be the dad I can trust and love.
Ricky Sacarello is another guy. He's been a huge instrument of encouragement in terms of my faith in Christ. Put another way, he's my mentor in some ways. A retired policeman, a great role model, amazing father to his stepkids and surefire great husband to Tiffany Claudio. We both have seen some of each others' ups and downs and even when it looks like we're distant, God has a way of bringing us back together on the road somewhere.
Lastly, Jesus. Not just because he's my Savior, redeemer and stuff -- but because He also showed in the Bible an aspect that I desire to show everywhere in my life -- love, compassion, mercy, grace and a genuine sense of philanthropy. He spent his time with the thieves, tax collectors, fisherman, liars and then some. He showed what it was to show love for your fellow human being and to the outcast. People that deserved to get stoned and killed he instead chose to tell them to go and sin no more. He amazes me. He was also absolutely unafraid to draw the line on right and wrong. These days because we're so preoccupied with being popular, we turn God knows how many things into shades of gray and then wonder why there's no sense of justice. His self-sacrificing in our place is noble and leaves me speechless now as I think about it.
Surprisingly, I'm gonna close up talking about All Star Superman. By far, the best DC Comics animated film since Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. It is the first Superman film that convinces me that he isn't just a man in pj's with superpowers -- he shows a sense of heroism, self-sacrifice and benevolence that convinced me that he truly is a hero.
In a world where there's so much corruption, stagnancy, cynicism and futility, kids today need role models. You know, those people that led by good example worthy of looking up to and provided positive influence to people everywhere. There's so many role models I had growing up and some I still have today.
I'd have to start with Bret Hart. His character in wrestling, for what he's worth, was worthy to look up to. From delivering amazing matches, putting sunglasses on little kids to visiting sick kids in the hospitals to just simply never giving up in a match -- he was my role model in wrestling. Of course, after reading his autobiography, I found that his image is more squeaky clean than his actual person but again, I have the hero in his in-ring character.
Another hero in my life (and one of the biggest), is my dad. Yeah, he didn't finish college and sure, he's on disability but consider this -- every day of his life, he busted his butt to apply himself, be a man, a good husband and a great father, even with his moments where you just want to roll your eyes or run for dear life. Even in his hardest moments, he never ceases to be the dad I can trust and love.
Ricky Sacarello is another guy. He's been a huge instrument of encouragement in terms of my faith in Christ. Put another way, he's my mentor in some ways. A retired policeman, a great role model, amazing father to his stepkids and surefire great husband to Tiffany Claudio. We both have seen some of each others' ups and downs and even when it looks like we're distant, God has a way of bringing us back together on the road somewhere.
Lastly, Jesus. Not just because he's my Savior, redeemer and stuff -- but because He also showed in the Bible an aspect that I desire to show everywhere in my life -- love, compassion, mercy, grace and a genuine sense of philanthropy. He spent his time with the thieves, tax collectors, fisherman, liars and then some. He showed what it was to show love for your fellow human being and to the outcast. People that deserved to get stoned and killed he instead chose to tell them to go and sin no more. He amazes me. He was also absolutely unafraid to draw the line on right and wrong. These days because we're so preoccupied with being popular, we turn God knows how many things into shades of gray and then wonder why there's no sense of justice. His self-sacrificing in our place is noble and leaves me speechless now as I think about it.
Surprisingly, I'm gonna close up talking about All Star Superman. By far, the best DC Comics animated film since Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. It is the first Superman film that convinces me that he isn't just a man in pj's with superpowers -- he shows a sense of heroism, self-sacrifice and benevolence that convinced me that he truly is a hero.
2.08.2011
Reawakening
In the two month mark of when my gf and I met something happened -- or at least began to happen. The other side of me has begun to reawaken. Sure, everyone has seen and read of the usual side of me -- the ranting, raving, Spider-Man-esque punch line giving, passionate and awesome side. Then there is the other side of the coin -- the one who shows unconditional love, doesn't hold grudges, doesn't compromise who I'm meant to be for anything and the voice of hope to the hopeless.
Questions were asked. Answers arose. Quite honestly, I've never felt this fire burn inside the way it's burning in years. At some point, somehow, while the essence was there, it felt like a piece of me went silent and asleep. At some point, my strength was down to only bare bones. But now I feel the strength returning, the fire burning. The side of me that was strangled unconscious just woke the eff up.
Of course, at such a declaration, rest assured, the hellhounds will be after me. But hey, I don't walk alone and don't lean on my own capability. I will speak silence to those ravenous hounds and call fire to devour them.
Throughout the course of yesterday, whether at work, school, home or the Ferry, I felt that fire burn. There's something about His power that when it settles upon you, it's like fire to your bones -- that when it feels like you're at a loss of words or action, you can let His arms wrap around you and just feel it take hold. It's truly amazing -- it really is.
Questions were asked. Answers arose. Quite honestly, I've never felt this fire burn inside the way it's burning in years. At some point, somehow, while the essence was there, it felt like a piece of me went silent and asleep. At some point, my strength was down to only bare bones. But now I feel the strength returning, the fire burning. The side of me that was strangled unconscious just woke the eff up.
Of course, at such a declaration, rest assured, the hellhounds will be after me. But hey, I don't walk alone and don't lean on my own capability. I will speak silence to those ravenous hounds and call fire to devour them.
Throughout the course of yesterday, whether at work, school, home or the Ferry, I felt that fire burn. There's something about His power that when it settles upon you, it's like fire to your bones -- that when it feels like you're at a loss of words or action, you can let His arms wrap around you and just feel it take hold. It's truly amazing -- it really is.
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