the Long Needed

  I thought I'd take time to write this before it slips my memory. In the midst of the past 2 1/2 years, I've been dealing with being strong for people around me, trying to get my life together, etc. But there's something I NEVER got to do -- grieve.
     That's right, it's always been about everyone else's pain and misery about a loss but I never got the silent time and space to grieve. Part of it is my fault as I've done all in my power to avoid doing what needs to be done. Grieving is a very ugly thing and something I've been unable to muster the strength to do.
     It is very much like facing the demon you've avoided all your life but now you're locked in and have to face it. It's very unsettling and painful. It doesn't help when those around me are either hounding at me in the middle of a process that I've decided to confront head on. Will I be okay? Time will tell. I always feared that this grief would be the death of me but thank God there's some gracious strength waiting to wrap itself around me as I finally confront it all.
     As it is, I'm also considering saving up to move out. Why? I'm 26, have two jobs, a half time college student and as much as I know I got it good right now, there comes a time when a young man's gotta fly.
     I also recognize that in the past month alone I've made some effin' stupid mistakes -- whether it be saying the wrong thing or saying things in the wrong way or not thinking ahead about things. Those people know who they are and know what I speak of. There are areas I'm still a bit green in and still in a process of maturation but hey, that's life and I'm doing what I can.
     You can't simply brush off the brooding and need to grieve -- it's something that has to be confronted and taken care of before it chips at your very identity in the long run.