Oh the drama of human life! So my building is apparently violating human rights. Don't believe me? They won't let anyone take their pets outside the vicinity, need to walk around with ASPCA at all times to prove you own your own dog and guests aren't allowed to bring their pets. Cherry on top? Everyone is now entitled to only one dog or cat, not both.
On the other hand, school's the usual and working two jobs hasn't changed much. At least it keeps me busy. Finally learning to get myself back. The other day was a day of which I wrote letters to key people from my past as a means to make amends and close chapters in my life and move on. As one of the songs on my iPod would say, "close the door and don't look back". I honestly didn't realize that somehow, in the last month and a half, I got blurred. I found myself not acting the usual. Both my girlfriend, as well as my brother, pointed that out and I'm damn grateful to both of them for reminding me to be whom I've always been.
I look so damn forward to Spring Break, as well as the end of the semester. There will be lots of rest I've needed for a while and an adventure to behold. Well, my mind's finally blank and have nothing better to write. Just live, love, laugh and friggin' rock on!
A day later and a work shift, something hit me. There's something I'm aiming for in the next three months. As many who know me know, I talk too damn much, can be as critical as dad, beat around the bush like mom and about as adhd as one of my uncles (laughs hard)! An important thing rang in my head, "Slow to speak, quick to listen -- even if you sometimes hate it thanks to your slightly small dose of patience". Hey, in life, everyone's got their spot to grow up in and I happen to not be exempt.
I'm also learning to not take things personal nor let things itch at me easily. That in itself can be difficult because usually I'm very much a "heart on my sleeve" guy at times. Again, just another part of learning, experiencing and growing up. Sure I'm 26 but as someone once told me, "So long as you live, there's always something to learn. The day you stop, either you're dead or you've become too full of yourself".
Blogs by Ron Gunz
3.31.2011
3.21.2011
77
All my readers know that, regardless of what I say, I have more questions than I have answers, more dreams than I have plans, more heart than wit. Today was a very difficult day. It was a day of which I kind of wanted to stay asleep until it skipped. I'm pouring my damn heart here but as much as I wanted to be happy, I looked more blue than Mega Man or Sonic the Hedgehog. With exception to work or around family or my buddy Sid, I was an emotional wreck. You know you are when you find yourself crying in the train on the way to work as well as on the way home. Things could've happened today but it truly pays to have some longtime friends that truly love you in the end.
Then I had a high school flashback -- when I had depressive tendencies where I even questioned God's very presence about some of the bullcrap I endured growing up in church and dealing with being a bit of an outcast all of my life due to a lot of overprotection. Take it or leave it, this really woke me up today and put me at ease. I had a bookbag in high school that's now gone but remembered this being written in white out on it:
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and I would not be comforted.
3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.
6 I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
7 “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
16 The waters saw you, God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water, the heavens resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
all from Psalm 77
Then I had a high school flashback -- when I had depressive tendencies where I even questioned God's very presence about some of the bullcrap I endured growing up in church and dealing with being a bit of an outcast all of my life due to a lot of overprotection. Take it or leave it, this really woke me up today and put me at ease. I had a bookbag in high school that's now gone but remembered this being written in white out on it:
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and I would not be comforted.
3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.
6 I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
7 “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
16 The waters saw you, God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water, the heavens resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
all from Psalm 77
3.19.2011
Reflections
Yeah, I know, what the heck am I doing on a lovely night indoors. Well, truth is, there's no one to really hang with at this present moment and have decided to sit down and reflect. After all, I'm turning twenty six.
I find myself in wonder at how things can change over the years. You could even say aspects of me have grown, altered, stood the same and so forth. Thanks to my girlfriend, the reflection I'm doing has a bit more vision.
Would I say I'm a bit sheltered? Perhaps but I guess the isolation protected me from Lord knows so much. Too optimistic? Maybe, yet someone's got to bring about some sunshine in the midst of our rainy mess. I find that my faith has changed over the years. My approach, the way I feel or walk have somehow changed too. My old high school bud Shani once told me to never change for anyone. Truth is, one has to change over time.
I still have the mushiness of a teddy bear, the heart of a lion and the strength of a fierce battering ram, yet I can no longer say I have the same faith I once had. I experienced my faith rattled by tragedies that have occurred, whether it be a personal one or one that someone I love has experienced. One can easily shrug everything off and say, "God's in control" but nowhere has it been said that we don't have the right to have questions about how God does things. Being a bit of a bible nerd, even I recognize that the Bible doesn't answer every question. There are still some I have no answers to and some people I know still have questions about.
With two jobs and a half-time student, let alone a waning social life, there are still changes I pray to see come into flow but won't necessarily happen over night. Patience is a virtual but Lord is it a pain in my testicles! There are still things I wish to have known or want to know, things I've yet to experience. If there's one move I'll be making either end of this year or early next year, it's finally getting my own place. At 26, perspective changes and you begin to see them as they are. The average young person is highly idealist and usually wanting to dream their butts off -- and then real life happens. Dreams won't die, life just happens to let you know that every dream will come to its own but there are the bigger things that have to be taken care of first.
I've seen people die, heard stories from friends about the abuses they endured, held people that were falling apart together. I've seen demons, glimpse of heaven and seen my surrounding world change. I would've never thought I'd be in the position I'm in or even be in a state of our country where conviction is being forgotten and an economy shaken to its core.
I've apparently just overcame my quarter-life crisis and it feels good to know that the best is yet to come. I have some giants to topple and overcome and some dreams to slowly watch become reality but it'll all happen in time, with the Lord's help.
My walk with Christ has taken a drastic change and even the falling, toppling and stumbling has helped change things. While I may still look at God as Lord, I can no longer see him as just a judge, executioner and always vengeful. I don't see myself as just a mere minister or servant. I see our relationship as it is, my Lord but also my friend. The shadow of hope over my moments of despair if you will. I don't discount facets of Him that make him holy, just, judge and whatnot but I'm able to see more of him as not only my Lord but also my friend that's still around when everyone else has fallen by the wayside.
I find myself in wonder at how things can change over the years. You could even say aspects of me have grown, altered, stood the same and so forth. Thanks to my girlfriend, the reflection I'm doing has a bit more vision.
Would I say I'm a bit sheltered? Perhaps but I guess the isolation protected me from Lord knows so much. Too optimistic? Maybe, yet someone's got to bring about some sunshine in the midst of our rainy mess. I find that my faith has changed over the years. My approach, the way I feel or walk have somehow changed too. My old high school bud Shani once told me to never change for anyone. Truth is, one has to change over time.
I still have the mushiness of a teddy bear, the heart of a lion and the strength of a fierce battering ram, yet I can no longer say I have the same faith I once had. I experienced my faith rattled by tragedies that have occurred, whether it be a personal one or one that someone I love has experienced. One can easily shrug everything off and say, "God's in control" but nowhere has it been said that we don't have the right to have questions about how God does things. Being a bit of a bible nerd, even I recognize that the Bible doesn't answer every question. There are still some I have no answers to and some people I know still have questions about.
With two jobs and a half-time student, let alone a waning social life, there are still changes I pray to see come into flow but won't necessarily happen over night. Patience is a virtual but Lord is it a pain in my testicles! There are still things I wish to have known or want to know, things I've yet to experience. If there's one move I'll be making either end of this year or early next year, it's finally getting my own place. At 26, perspective changes and you begin to see them as they are. The average young person is highly idealist and usually wanting to dream their butts off -- and then real life happens. Dreams won't die, life just happens to let you know that every dream will come to its own but there are the bigger things that have to be taken care of first.
I've seen people die, heard stories from friends about the abuses they endured, held people that were falling apart together. I've seen demons, glimpse of heaven and seen my surrounding world change. I would've never thought I'd be in the position I'm in or even be in a state of our country where conviction is being forgotten and an economy shaken to its core.
I've apparently just overcame my quarter-life crisis and it feels good to know that the best is yet to come. I have some giants to topple and overcome and some dreams to slowly watch become reality but it'll all happen in time, with the Lord's help.
My walk with Christ has taken a drastic change and even the falling, toppling and stumbling has helped change things. While I may still look at God as Lord, I can no longer see him as just a judge, executioner and always vengeful. I don't see myself as just a mere minister or servant. I see our relationship as it is, my Lord but also my friend. The shadow of hope over my moments of despair if you will. I don't discount facets of Him that make him holy, just, judge and whatnot but I'm able to see more of him as not only my Lord but also my friend that's still around when everyone else has fallen by the wayside.
3.15.2011
open-minded?
Probably one of the things I grew up seeing, since high school the earliest to recent memory, was the whole concept of being open-minded. A good concept nonetheless, especially when it comes to learning and experiencing life as it comes. But what happens when you use that terms as an excuse to have no conviction?
That's probably one of the problems I saw emerging as I have been living -- the people that I was engaging with, once in a while, many times, emphasized on being open-minded yet when you boil down to what convictions they have, uh, not much is there. Sure, the most constant thing we see happening in life is the inconsistency of things but where do we draw the line and say, "all things considered, this is what I believe and this is where I draw the line"?
That's the problem I face when it comes to some churches and some movements i.e. Emergent church for example. Sure, Jesus spoke in parables but He also spoke some harsh words. The whole concept of just saying, "Jesus is truth" is nice but it loses meaning and purpose when no one opens up the discussion or have the balls to say, "what we mean by Jesus is truth is...". Relevancy is also becoming a sad, pathetic joke. I will quote my friend Larry on this, "the more secular and humanist the world shifts, the less relevant the church will be".
Call me a right wing conservative to some degree if you will but the thought of parts of the body of Christ wanting to exchange truth in the name of relevancy and not offending people defeats the entire purpose. I recall Jesus saying that we'll be hated for His name's sake. Sorry Westboro Baptist Church but you don't qualify on that part since all you speak of is hate and anything but the call to draw close to Christ so that He may draw close to us. Sure, Proverbs mentions something along the lines of, "when a man's ways please the Lord, even his enemies will be at peace with him" but keep in mind, that isn't always the case.
One thought did come to mind, of which I'll which I'll leave open for discussion, is this -- many times we want to call on God ask Him for help but often we forget the fact that before He can do anything, we do need to repent before His feet. I think that we've been so transfixed on getting, needing or wanting help for ourselves that we've forgotten that little thing called humility -- you know, that which makes us come before God and say, "Lord, before I even dare to ask for help, I want to confess that I've messed up a whole lot in my life. I'm sorry for all the times I ignored you completely and how it came down to this in order for me to turn to You. I humble myself in the here and now not only for help but more importantly forgiveness and cleansing". Don't remember who said it but he/she was right -- man, on his own, is quite vain and prideful.
I, being a Christian by choice since 1998, refuse to sell out any ounce of my beliefs in the name of cultural relevancy, saving face with people or even as a means to make people happy. Do I rub my faith in people's faces? Not really -- there's a time to speak and share but there's a time to shut up and listen. There are stories of people dying to be told. Within many of these stories, there will be questions asked of which we may not have an immediate answer or an answer at all.
There are still answers that, despite being a Christian, I don't have answers to nor answers that can simply be given. Like, why let the young ones be taken from this life instead of taking from us those who are ready to go or deserve to be taken? Why has he spared me from so much insanity in my life meanwhile a girl I really care about was forced to endure some really terrible things? Why do you heal x, y or z person but not heal a, b or c person? None of these questions are that simple to answer. Even after reading the book of Job, it doesn't answer everything.
That's probably one of the problems I saw emerging as I have been living -- the people that I was engaging with, once in a while, many times, emphasized on being open-minded yet when you boil down to what convictions they have, uh, not much is there. Sure, the most constant thing we see happening in life is the inconsistency of things but where do we draw the line and say, "all things considered, this is what I believe and this is where I draw the line"?
That's the problem I face when it comes to some churches and some movements i.e. Emergent church for example. Sure, Jesus spoke in parables but He also spoke some harsh words. The whole concept of just saying, "Jesus is truth" is nice but it loses meaning and purpose when no one opens up the discussion or have the balls to say, "what we mean by Jesus is truth is...". Relevancy is also becoming a sad, pathetic joke. I will quote my friend Larry on this, "the more secular and humanist the world shifts, the less relevant the church will be".
Call me a right wing conservative to some degree if you will but the thought of parts of the body of Christ wanting to exchange truth in the name of relevancy and not offending people defeats the entire purpose. I recall Jesus saying that we'll be hated for His name's sake. Sorry Westboro Baptist Church but you don't qualify on that part since all you speak of is hate and anything but the call to draw close to Christ so that He may draw close to us. Sure, Proverbs mentions something along the lines of, "when a man's ways please the Lord, even his enemies will be at peace with him" but keep in mind, that isn't always the case.
One thought did come to mind, of which I'll which I'll leave open for discussion, is this -- many times we want to call on God ask Him for help but often we forget the fact that before He can do anything, we do need to repent before His feet. I think that we've been so transfixed on getting, needing or wanting help for ourselves that we've forgotten that little thing called humility -- you know, that which makes us come before God and say, "Lord, before I even dare to ask for help, I want to confess that I've messed up a whole lot in my life. I'm sorry for all the times I ignored you completely and how it came down to this in order for me to turn to You. I humble myself in the here and now not only for help but more importantly forgiveness and cleansing". Don't remember who said it but he/she was right -- man, on his own, is quite vain and prideful.
I, being a Christian by choice since 1998, refuse to sell out any ounce of my beliefs in the name of cultural relevancy, saving face with people or even as a means to make people happy. Do I rub my faith in people's faces? Not really -- there's a time to speak and share but there's a time to shut up and listen. There are stories of people dying to be told. Within many of these stories, there will be questions asked of which we may not have an immediate answer or an answer at all.
There are still answers that, despite being a Christian, I don't have answers to nor answers that can simply be given. Like, why let the young ones be taken from this life instead of taking from us those who are ready to go or deserve to be taken? Why has he spared me from so much insanity in my life meanwhile a girl I really care about was forced to endure some really terrible things? Why do you heal x, y or z person but not heal a, b or c person? None of these questions are that simple to answer. Even after reading the book of Job, it doesn't answer everything.
3.12.2011
writer's block can be hell
Yes I know, I've barely written a damn thing as of late but hey, life's been busy and haven't had much of those thought-provoking moments that I haven't voiced out in a while. When it hits, it seems to hit pretty significantly but when there's not enough or none at all, it's best to keep quiet instead of forcing anything.
With that said, I'm in the mood for some brief movie reviews! Like some, I've seen the amazing Black Swan. I thought that, while the plot was simple on paper and it kind of felt run of the mill, where it is the most striking is how it eventually messes with your head once you see that a blur between fantasy and reality is present. Natalie Portman, by far, delivers her best performance since V for Vendetta.
Love and Other Drugs, while to some, is just another chick flick, showcases a great performance on Anne Hathaway's part. Be warned, you thought Halle Berry was revealing on Monster Ball, you ain't seen squat! Hathaway does a good delivery on portraying what seems like just a girl trying to have a good time, she hides behind it to disguise her struggle with Parkinson's. As that unveils, the guy, who seemed like he was going for the big lay, falls in love with her and discovering her disorder becomes the test to his love for her. Yes, I know, sounds like A Walk to Remember but don't worry, they don't get the same ending!
With that said, I'm in the mood for some brief movie reviews! Like some, I've seen the amazing Black Swan. I thought that, while the plot was simple on paper and it kind of felt run of the mill, where it is the most striking is how it eventually messes with your head once you see that a blur between fantasy and reality is present. Natalie Portman, by far, delivers her best performance since V for Vendetta.
Love and Other Drugs, while to some, is just another chick flick, showcases a great performance on Anne Hathaway's part. Be warned, you thought Halle Berry was revealing on Monster Ball, you ain't seen squat! Hathaway does a good delivery on portraying what seems like just a girl trying to have a good time, she hides behind it to disguise her struggle with Parkinson's. As that unveils, the guy, who seemed like he was going for the big lay, falls in love with her and discovering her disorder becomes the test to his love for her. Yes, I know, sounds like A Walk to Remember but don't worry, they don't get the same ending!
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