This past Friday was a turning point for me. To those who were too oblivious, I was going through a spiritual/emotional/psychological breakdown in the past few years. Believe me when I say this, I've had my doubts, concerns, big fears and insecurities and while some of them may still linger, the vibe of it all is cut off at this point.
While my blog is usually geared towards a general audience, this one is geared towards my fellow Christians. If you're not a Christian yet you would like to read this, you're welcome to read and take with you what you feel you can take with you.
I recall heading to Promise Christian Church this past Friday with the intent of wanting a difference, a change, just anything that can prove to me that I am not abandoned and not a forgotten and very neglected sheep. Everything that went down was everything short of expected and predictable.
I've had experiences, visions, dreams and encounters of which no one can always understand but I'll say this -- I have no excuse whatsoever to deny the existence of God. There is no excuse to doubt how at an instant, God can grab you by the heart with no effort. You can't always agree with His framework, his rules or why He permits one thing yet forbids the other -- and that's okay. The Bible never said you had to agree completely with God, it only says to follow Him. Humans are finite and to try and wrap our minds around a Divine one is impossible. I can live with that, I'm fine with that.
The biggest thing for me was how God just gripped onto my heart. These past few years, I've felt very hollow inside and void of any love. In other words, I was feeling heartless and searching everywhere and even doubting God when it comes to love. I'll tell you this -- God sure got my attention in a way that my description is limited. I've never felt His presence at such an intensity in years. I had been so used to Him just being here and there that I grew numb. Yet to feel God totally just embrace your heart in totality -- it was piercing. I could never outwardly verbalize it but inside, in the midst of the tears running down my face and barely able to stand, I was screaming at how powerful and captivating He felt inside my heart.
If there was anything I walked out with that night aside from that, it's this -- there aren't many that have passion in the church. These days, people just want a handout, a Fedex Heaven and no feeling of the weight of glory. God is seeking from His people a true sense of weight for showing Him to this world. When we separate ourselves from our addiction to the Prosperity Gospel, the American Dream and the self-centered bond of our culture, then we'll see God's goodness.
I haven't read Radical...yet. I have to pick it up Monday after work but I'll say this -- Christians ought to quit fixating on blessing and fixate on He whom the blessings originate. We've become so fixated on top line equipment, top line cars, top line everything (similar to all-black everything, like Jay-Z). Nothing's wrong with getting the best on everything --until you've made having the best your idol. Like our culture, we get go fixated on top-line on material things that we've lost sight of God.
I'll also be reading The Christian Atheist. I read a little of the synopsis and like Radical, it was a must-buy for me. I told my friend Larry that I couldn't help but notice that I seem to always stumble upon the books that inspire thoughts about running against the grain of mainstream Christianity with the intent of returning to the organic and pure form the Church is meant to be in. About eleven years since personally choosing to be a Christian, apparently I wasn't going crazy after all.
I refuse to be considered a right-wing, homophobic, self-righteous neo-con. I refuse to consider myself an extremist or an excessive fanatic. What I do consider myself, for better or worse, is merely a man after God's heart.
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