Confessions 3: Vengeance

I mentioned previously that I'm in the process of cleansing and cleaning out a lot of junk in my life. The biggest piece of junk of all I just recently tossed out but it still teases me on a cerebral level and it's my "other side". It rarely showed itself throughout my life but when it did, it was like, "holy crapballs man, calm down".

That's my vengeful side. I used to never get mad but instead get even. It's not me anymore. I'm doing my best to avoid letting it get to me ever again. I have been used in the past, taken advantage of and never given all that much appreciation. Being left high and dry is something I had been used to getting done to me. But like I said in the last note/blog, people will always disappoint you.

There's a reason I identify so much with Two-Face from Batman, it' due to the twisted sense of dealing with justice he applies. That's how I was at times but no more. The two-faced element also affected my church life and walk with God. In church, I seemed to have it all together and seemed all chipper but deep down I had a sense of spite, anger and feeling a sense of betrayal. This is due to being outcast all my life. Either I wasn't holy enough or was too holy. Either I was entirely timid and unwilling to talk or too eager to speak my mind.

Airing all this out is part of my cleansing process and just letting myself get purified from all the madness. Either it's this or going back to my own personal type of prison and slip to the void.

As a special request, I ask that everyone keep me in your prayers about making an important decision. Now that not a lot of things are in the way anymore and there is no one person standing in the way, I'm finally considering The United States Air Force. Spare me all the nWo/conspiracy talk. I can't stop having this dance in my head or heart...it finally rushed itself back on my mind last night. The reason? I need to start my life from scratch and unlike some, I'm actually willing to go through with it. I found the recruit base in Staten Island, therefore, nothing stands in my way with it. Just pray that the good Lord give me sound advice and if He really doesn't have this lined up in my life as part of his will, He'll stop me.