Yesterday was quite the day for me. It consisted of the usual work, busting my chops and consistently proving a level of dedication on my part at work. Then I headed out to Staten Island to check stuff out and clear my head. The Ferry has its way of helping me thinking and get to that place of contemplation and putting things into perspective. Then I ended up in NJ until 2am at the Loop Inn to really get away from all the funk. Afterwards, as sick and out of whack as I was, got home at almost 6am. A lot of things came to mind and mainly had to do with my sense of self, or the loss of it and the attitude I've had when it comes to love.
I'll never see things the way I once did. The concept of being someone's universe, while idealistic and romantic it may be, is scary and most of the time just unrealistic. We all know what happens when we do that. It leaves us vulnerable to manipulation, hurt, jealousy, madness and obsession. I've also recalled the whole concept of someone "completing you". Looking back at everything and how I am today, it's a sick joke played upon us all. My friend Starsha attended a conference and one thing they said there which I strongly agree with is this -- relationships will continue to crumble (and so will you) when the people involved are broken. I still believe in people complementing one another but completing? No more. Why? One should be assured of themselves and who they are, not use someone else as a crutch in order to be put together. We're not meant to be each other's band aids. I believe, in essence, to be one's help meet, to be one's ying to the other's yang so to speak. To be someone's bandaid, rebound, crutch or stepping stone? No thanks. To have people you care about on that level is to lessen them to being objects to feed one's sense of vanity, ego, pride, narcissism and self-esteem because you find yourself lacking in an area you ought to strengthen yourself in. Even worse when we choose to just have a lover, a partner or friend for the sake of not being alone. It shows an absence of self-security, let alone self-assurance.
Some people that are reading right now are probably like, "the heck do you know Ron"? Well, first of all, as a man who going to be 27, I can't act like I'm naive. It's not like I've only dated two or three women and don't have friends. I've seen friends, family and lovers all come and go and I can say I've experienced a good number of things that have rattled, challenged, shaken and provoked me to mature my view of the world as well as my view on the matters of the heart. How long will a human being put up with being someone's band aid, someone's crutch, someone's feel-good person, someone's rebound? Furthermore, do we really need to put up with these things? Whatever happened to being strong on your own? What happened to complementary instead of supplementary? Or have people forgotten how damaging being co-dependent, desperate for approval/attention and being needy actually are to the human soul?
Depressive, narcissistic, borderline, passive/aggressive, bipolar, unipolar, tripolar, multiple personality -- screw all of that for the moment and think on this -- when was the last time time and thought about yourself as a human soul? When was the last time, sat down and thought, "hey, how about I stop staying broken and pick myself up together?"
It's time that we gather ourselves -- as humans, as souls, as creations made only a little lower than heavenly beings and as warriors -- and be one. Kill the idols that seep and leech on your identity, be free and stand your ground. Pound that chest, face your devil in the eye and tear it down. If you still haven't found what you're looking for, look for it! Seek and OWN your destiny.
It's okay to sometimes have your heart on your sleeve but be sure to protect it while you let it all hang out -- because in it are the wellsprings of life. Your mind? If it crumbles, the heart will follow suit.
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