As of late, I've been having a lot of alone time mainly because of work. The funny thing is how at work, I don't socialize all that much apart from incoming customers because as a team we're trying to do our own thing because each of us have that money to make. So as the long hours and days go by, it just all begins to dawn upon me the way it used to when I was younger -- I will never truly be happy.
I have lied to myself, cheated myself into believing that I'll be content but the fact remains that nothing is enough anymore. You can surround me with the greatest of friends, the friendliest of co-workers, the biggest river of inspiration for writing or recording music and throw the greatest girlfriend ever on a silver platter in front of me...My thirst for happiness has simply become insatiable.
It really feels like I will be in this mental rut forever. I have been there since I was a teenager and I'm still there now. Despite the many blessings that have come and gone, nothing has, to this day, changed my mental and emotional world enough to not feel this way.
I'm not sure if I'm in a state of acceptance or if I'm in a state of fighting or confession but this is how I've felt forever. Even as I prepare to move, I can literally feel that even when I finally am on my own, I have been so deeply trapped within my person psychological and emotional devices that once I am left to myself, it's all gonna surface and it may not be pretty.