Letting Yourself Be Held

     After a long week of work, getting things ready for school, writing and spending a lot of quality time with my girlfriend, I've managed to actually meditate, write and think. This evening/morning, all I thought about was what the chaplain at Woodhull Medical Center told me as I walked and stood sitting in a room separate from my family as we all grieved the death of my sister Bernice, "you do not have to be the rock".
     Hard pill to intake but a truthful one nonetheless. I confess that I've always delighted into holding others in their pain, being able to comfort them when they decide to be vulnerable to the point of letting me see their tears, agony, pain and suffering. When it comes to me, though, I am terrified at letting someone see every part of me. Especially someone that shares a mutual romantic love. I play it off like I don't need support, that I can stand firmly without being held. However, let's be fucking real -- we need to be comforted and held too.
     Key parts of me that have been broken and torn are healed by the good Lord himself but there are still scars from other hurts that will need time to heal and be overcome. In this, I am very grateful for her support. She's seen me laugh, rant, rave, engulfed with a genuine passion that ignites the core of who I am -- nevertheless, she's seen me cry, fall apart sometimes and seen despair in my eyes. May God truly bless her because every day I see her, everything she's done reminds me of His goodness and ever-enduring mercy.
     Every time I hear Not Alone by ReD off of their Until We Have Faces album, my heart is lifted and I remember that God's there to heal, comfort and hold us when we've fallen apart, regardless of how or why. In this, I accept that it's okay to not be the hero sometimes. Sometimes, we are the ones that need to be held somehow.