I'm taking this opportunity to open up to all my friends, especially my fellow Christians. I feel that, after a lot of thinking and reflecting, that a lot has to be expelled and released. I cannot live in peace nor with a clean conscience if I don't put this out there.
I have not been my true self. I have, in some way or another, either deceived some people or made them see only one side of me. Despite all my awesome qualities, it's time I let out the truth.
In 2007, that year was a year of absolute frustration and bitterness. I saw Robbed and Restored fall apart. The last straw was when Ramell left. Whatever momentum and potential we had went down the toilet. I began to get bitter. My love life was non-existent. Doors to play with others in churchs went out the window. I couldn't enjoy my church life either. My resentment began not only towards Ramell but to Bryan and even God.
In 2008, I hesitantly joined what is now Brotherhood Of Outcasts. I still had resentment and bitterness towards Bryan. My life was headed downward while he was scaling upwards. I was jealous, angry and confused. In a state of spite, I even contemplated on wreaking havoc but God definitely held my horses. It got to the point that Bryan and I were back to back and while he wanted to talk, my level of anger was as fierce as my current ex-gf's is towards me. B.O.O. had a meeting and that was a breaking point in our friendship because we weren't gonna go even half throttle if there were grudges among our bandmates. God used that opportunity to help unearth a lot of angry feelings and pain. It helped bring healing.
That year was also when my attitude towards God headed south. Dad and I were having arguments here and there and as a means to escape, I contemplated heading to the Air Force...then Bernice died. Sure, it brought the family together again but my trust in God depleted. I wished that I had been taken instead of her. I bowed out of the band for a few months in the fall to clear my head. I was also feeling weary because I felt I was carrying the emotional weight of many family members.
In 2009, I was frustrated at people altogether. People would never come to support the band at shows, let alone me. I felt alone often because of that. I began to learn what it's like to play in secular venues and how stressful it can be -- emotionally, mentally and financially. My church attendance began to decline as gigs, work and school began to be more prominent. You could say my faith was very fragile at this point. Harmony in the band was frustrating and at one point I wanted to quit music for good due to burnout.
In 2010, for a brief moment, I had burned a bridge (or tried to) with Bryan. I felt lowered and debased on a particular occasion and I chose a particular weekend day to do it. I was bitter, angry, felt betrayed and felt like absolute crap. Larry was trying to talk me out of it, Bryan was trying to reach to me, similar to a certain circumstance I'm in at this present moment. It wasn't until April that I finally chose to break my silence, pick a day and finally sit down and talk to him face to face, man to man. I let him know exactly why I burned the bridge and let out all my hurt and anger. Thank God He has a way of mending hearts.
It was also the year I lost my virginity. Yep, the cat's outta the bag folks. I was constantly ridiculed even by some peers for it and I cracked. For me, it wasn't something to save for marriage, it was something I was tired of being made fun of and I wanted out on. Any regrets? Just this one -- that I fell short before God's eyes. Did I repent for that reason? Heck yeah but the remorse and guilt traveled with me. I believe the fact that I finally broke a girl's heart later that summer was the hardest part because I swore to never break a girl's heart by dumping them...but I did.
I was also dealing with the feeling of despair all the way from end of August up to October 29th. It hit hardest October 26th and 27th. I remember the 27th I reached out to Ricky as I was on the way to school. I couldn't take the pain anymore. The feeling of worthlessness, despair, horror of loss and the desire to leave everything behind for good. October 29th was the night that I felt God's presence pierce through my heart. I began to remember what it was to feel God hug me again. I remembered that God's got his eye on me, like his eye being on the sparrow.
Then I met Michelle. I don't care what anyone says, it was love at first sight. No girl has ever caught my eye the way she did. The minute we locked eyes, dear Jesus! It seemed like the beginning of awesomeness. Not gonna lie, there were initial doubts due to conflicts she was dealing with that I will not mention out of deep respect to her for the most part. I began to remember what it was to feel a true sense of care and love for someone almost as much as you do yourself. I remember us spending Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve together. It was wonderful. I never smiled so much during the holidays since the time I got Batman & Robin on Sega Genesis!
2011 is here and I confess that I still deal with a quick temper, a level of stubbornness only rivaled and trumped by my father. I battle the feeling of worth, as certain things went down where I was like, "what the hell". Seeds of resentment and frustration began to ensue, I neglected a sense of wholesomeness that I needed to maintain and instead I let my frustrations, impulses and anger get the best of me, especially in words. As it is, I got a good line of Rosado-inherited white hairs at the age of 26!
This was also the year that I had the most special thing -- Michelle throwing a near-botched surprise birthday party @ the Renaissance diner. I'll never forget that. Up to that point though, that's when I began to learn what's it like to face real relationship problems -- whether it was listening, understanding or helping someone cope through their moments of the blues if you will.
Then the hit and run happened. I may be a walking miracle but still, I feel something like that happened due to me not knowing how to calm down and let a lady be when she needs to be alone with the blues. Frustration can lead you into saying some mislead and very mean things that, while untrue in your subconscious, can destroy relationships either permanently or for a good lengthy season. The thing with me is this -- when I know I did absolute wrong, I feel guilt on a massive scale. I find myself realizing that I need to climb back up the spiritual ladder. I'm a mess and I'm no good to anyone in a messy state. It's okay to be a mess but we're not meant to stay in the mess. I know I don't want to wallow in the messiness. I'm tired of letting things get to me and chip at me. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself as well. I'm tired, however, of everyone adding their 50 cents on everything too. I have a war within my own soul and it's a fight I must fight with only One means to really get me through.
So there ya have it folks, Ron Gunz unmasked. I had my round of frustration, anger, dirty talk, bitterness, resentment, despair and all. I'm sorry if this was too real for any of you or even TMI but a man's gotta know when to draw a line on themselves and come clean in order to live life in a clear conscience, peace of mind and wholesome relationships with people, especially with a woman they sincerely care about, regardless of anyone's opinion.
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