A Few hours ago, I wrote a pretty brutal note/blog, asking for the world to be silent. Believe me, to those that gave it to me, thank you, from the sincerest of my heart, especially Frankie Carrion. You're still, in my heart, one of my best friends for this reason -- you know when Ronnie's mad to steer clear and let him think...then check up on him.
I found myself reflecting things I love and love less about people in my life. Thankfully, there are actually few people that are poison to my life -- it just so happens that it's all on how you take it as it comes. I found myself reflecting on who I am, who I'm meant to be, my strengths and, above all, my many MANY weaknesses and shortcomings. Some of these weaknesses are costing me, if not already, cost me dearly -- perhaps nearly severing very important relationships in my life.
My stubbornness is my biggest strength because it helps show how big a heart I have and how courageous (sometimes heroic) I can be in the face of adversity and tragedy. On the flip side, it also is my most fatal weakness because it results in short temperance, occasional selfish behavior and even saying things I don't mean that will bury me later. I admit that at times I either don't listen to those around me or I listen too much to hear my own inner voice.
To those who got ticked at what I came off with or more so how I came off with what I said and asked for -- I'm sorry. I won't deny that someone told me I should've chosen my words wisely. Have to say, despite my writing ability, I reach a wording block, where in a fit of rant, I forget that some people are sensible to how I say certain things. Bryan, you get points for reminding me of that. Larry, you too.
I recognize that I'm called to a higher standard in my life. Ricky reminds me every time I look in his eyes. Thank you Ricky, for being the other tough figure in my spiritual walk asides from my dad. I sat here, writing down all of my strengths and weaknesses but also my talents and what I'm meant to do in this lifetime, however short it may be or not be. Believe me, there's a lot to measure up to. Some of it, I'm not even halfway there and other things I've yet to fully mature in. Everyone has a purpose to live and I don't think I've truly grasped it until now. When I did, it became the question of, "Okay, now that I clearly see what, who, where and why I need to be, how do I get there?"
It won't happen overnight, rest assured but I'm learning the first step -- humility. A man, even in his upmost pride, needs to hit his knees and recognize that in his pride and self-deception, he will not only suffer a fall but also a deafening crash! Oh boy, I've seen my deafening crash coming but I'm putting a halt to it now! Some say, "oh, it's too late". Sorry folks, one thing I have learned is this -- while there's still life breathing in your body, there is hope. Where there is hope, there is the opportunity and even the willpower to change. It ain't easy. Heck, it can be hell, but it can be done.
You know the term, "I'll hold you to it"? That's a term I live by when it comes to people and it is how you can tell who can disappoint you and who's word is of honor sometimes. The "yes be your yes, your no be your no" if you will. Sometimes, though, it doesn't always apply because some that will initially let you down may surprise you in the end or later on and turn out to be your greatest allies.
I'm reminded now of an occasion where I kept telling Larry that I, "wasn't feeling well". He was mad because of disappointment and because I'd make him look bad. Later on, though, he understood what I meant. Those occasions, he knew I wasn't "not well" in the physical sense. He knew and understood it was in the emotional and mental sense of things. Boy, those were, what, seven or eight times? At a few occasions, I even asked for time off from the band. Unlike what I would've done, he respected my decision. Sure enough, before the sun set, I reassessed my feelings and thoughts and simply came back and rolled back in, doing what I enjoy most with B.O.O. This is where I realized my mistake with the ladyfriend -- she asked of me the very same yet I didn't give her that. Who knows how much better things would be (or would have been) had I done the same. Some will say it's too late and some will say there's hope. Who knows?
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