One Last Look

So it's Friday morning and I've had an interesting week to say the least. I found out that Brotherhood Of Outcasts will be having an audition this sunday at Brighton Beach! I'm so excited about it! It's something I would love to land because it's something different from what I'm used to. I'm thrilled about performing August 24 @ Bar Matchless with them too. It's my first official gig in over a year, let alone in my hometown of Williamsburg, Brooklyn! I'll also be getting a new classical acoustic/electric within the next month and possibly a punching bag for my apartment.

But that isn't what I'm writing about today. The reason I'm writing this blog is because as some have read on my facebook status, prepare to possibly see a new (or at least a remastered) Ron Gunz. A lot of things have happened over the past few months that have signaled that it's time for Ron to reinvent who he is -- or at least restore himself. I've seen my heart get stretched beyond its means, my head get wrenched beyond what's comfortable and my senses in a state of disorder that must be put to an end. Everyone who knows me knows a Ron who is cheerful, optimistic, strong, somewhat independent, takes charge and someone who enjoys his life. They also know me for carrying some scars from past hurts, more particularly the loss of a loved one. But after June 12, I realized that the scar of loss has apparently faded and as of now, the pain of seeing Bernice depart isn't really all that there. It's not that it doesn't suck -- believe me, I miss my baby sister more than any of you know but I found myself thinking more of living my life and if there is anything to bear in mind, it's to keep her memory alive by being the best that Ron is meant to be.

I confess that I found myself, at some point, on a level of co-dependency that is rather unhealthy. I'm sorry but Ron isn't meant to let himself be so latched onto anyone. I'm not saying that it is wrong to feel attached to family, friends and a significant other however there is a big difference between loving people and depending on that mutual love in order to live your life. As much as you can love someone and get lost in that love, the biggest mistake (which will cost you) you can do, however, is to lose who you are. When you lose who you are in the midst of it all, people will wonder where the hell are you. They'll feel as though that the person they knew (in a good light of course) is missing -- that something's off and that the person they grew to love and enjoy is missing.

If it even makes sense, I'd say that when you don't take charge and maintain who you are in the face of everything -- depression, love, romance, friendship, work, career, education, politics and faith, everything around will can and will swallow you whole. Instead of those things being a part of you, they become you. Your identity is then suppressed and strangled to the point that you are a puppet and only a shell of who you are. How does this connect with me? I found my relationship with family still somewhat decent but my relationship with friends became distant and I found myself forgetting to take care of my talents, my surroundings and especially my faith. While with people there are some compromises to be made in order to have harmonious relationships, the biggest nono, however, is to compromise what makes you who you are and what makes you unique.

I focused too much on being everyone's hero and savior at some point, completely forgetting that I have a threshold. A man can only take so much before they are stretched to the point of being torn. That's where the importance of family and friends set in -- so that while you're doing what you gotta do, they're there to support you and help you be at a little more of ease. IF they're forcing you to further stretch beyond your strength, then maybe something's up. Don't get it twisted though, some people are capable of more and sometimes don't tap into their fullest because of being used to being comfortable. I guess there has to be a balance of comfort and bringing out your best that's gotta be put into balance.

As I said on a status, "take a good look now -- because this may be the last time you see this version of Ron Gunz. Part of my changing involves re-embracing myself fully as a musician, as a writer, as a man of faith, as a brother, a role model and as a lover. Each of these aspects, right now, are kind of broken. Why? Plain and simple, in my own strength, I outstretched myself beyond the necessary and forgetting the need of balance. It took something to happen in order for me to understand that and now here I am going through a sort of metamorphosis if you will.