Most of my readers (and friends) know exceptionally well how I can delve into nostalgia. Usually, it's in relation to entertainment from the 90's era -- whether it was Sonic the Hedgehog, Mario, Dick Tracy, Roger Rabbit (p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-leeeease!), Toonami and so forth.
These days, though, nostalgia's been hitting me harder in other areas. While I have been doing some writing this week on the way to school, a lot of old feelings about life started stirring up again. Like how friends were always around to hang out and you didn't have to always need the bus or train to get ot them. Sometimes, you just had to walk and there you go! I miss playing basketball with my peeps. I miss those days when you sat your ass on the floor in front of the TV and either watched anime or played video games with your best friends. I miss having that feeling like you mattered a lot.
Let me pause on that last thought. While I understand that some may perceive me as being a little melodramatic, truth is, it does sometimes feel like I get taken for granted. Doing the world favors, doing this or that for everyone, needing to cater to everyone else's feelings, needs or agendas. Despite how "emo", dramatic or whiny it sounds, I'm very sure all of you can relate in one shape or form. For me, there has to be, at some point or another where you can be entitled to silence everything around you. I've always been one to submit and follow orders, which is fine. We all have our bosses, leaders, etc.
In the words of Mike Tyson, "I dunno man". Perhaps the Recession has brought out the nostalgia, cynicism, frustration and longing for all that I ever asked for. I won't lie, most of what I wanted and asked for is here and now in my life and grateful for it but deep down, it just ain't enough. Perhaps part of it because of how social networking has made us, the human race, electronically bonded but humanly distant. Maybe even the fact that we have to go out and work harder (or just work, period) and when playtime does come in, we go overboard as though we've never played before. I think the hardest thing is how friendships are taken too lightly are often taken for granted.
Perhaps I'm going on one hell of a ramble but bear with me readers, it's worth it (and I need it). One of my bands' (Brotherhood Of Outcasts particularly) fans made me come to a very harsh conclusion. It's a harsh, pathetic but also a very honest one -- I'm nowhere near as motivated as I once was -- musically, spiritually, mentally and even emotionally.
Musically? If I'm not on a stage, in a gig or performing anywhere, I have no desire to even pick my guitar up. Kind of sad because it's a very electric part of who I am.
Spiritually, I find myself at times wanting to be with the Body and at times I want to be distant. I'm all in to see God's all but at the same time, my impatience gets the best of me and wishes God would grab me wherever I'm at in a literal sense and do something. There are days I could grab God and hug him to pieces and there are days, when I fixate on my frustrations with life, I give Him the silent treatment (although eventually, I'll go to Him).
Mentally, the only times I find myself being challenged and stimulated in learning and experiencing more is when I'm either with a few friends or with my girlfriend. Why? They don't/haven't lived the same lives I do. Let's be real shall we? I'm a 26 year old, 3/4 time worker at a gym, part-time student at a 4 year CUNY school, oldest kid of a family raised by Pentecostal parents and the only thing I've ever had to worry about was going to school and doing honest work. I've never experienced any abuse in the harshest sense of the word. Yes, I enjoy the occasional 'rita or some wine but that's as far as I ever go. I'm not a wild party person but not a housecat. I'm not squeaky clean but I'm not a train-wreck of debauchery either. I've never been homeless even though, in life, I've faced the very real possibility. I've never had to fight an addiction or a habit but I can't say I've never been tempted either. Sure, I like to take a risk every now and then but it's never anything over the top.
Emotionally? I'm far from being a complete whack job but there are days when I can hold my own like a Juggernaut but then there are days when I need to be pinned to the wall and be told to calm the hell down. I really am grateful for every time that my friends have been there to help me keep myself in perspective and love how my girlfriend reminds me of the strong hunk of a man that I have to be and meant to be -- life lessons included. I'm not going to say that I entirely have it all figured out but I can't say I'm entirely blind as a bat either. Michelle always reminds me that when I get a little edgy, just write. Some days it's easy and some days I just want to crawl under a pebble -- even though it'll look like a pebble is on top of me as debris!
Now that I got all of that rambling out of my mind, here's some news. For those awaiting for a solo release of the book 3ra, it ain't happening. Why? I've decided to compile Taking Over Me, Walk This Realm and 3ra all into one volume, which will be called Vol. 1. It will have all the front and back covers of those books but from now one, I'll have them all in one big book. As far as art and poetry, you will still see the combinations although now I may also include some pieces separately.
Well, I'm sorry for the load I just dumped on you but I'm done. Good night!
No comments:
Post a Comment