Sometimes, when we're going through things, be it personal or impersonal, we find ways to cover up -- the fake smile, the fake laugh, endless excuses and even little white lies. All of the aforementioned examples are means to one end -- to save face. However, what happens when you need a facelift? What happens when time drags on and your cover begins to slowly disarm? We'll sometimes run or try to pull Houdini's on people we know and love. Perhaps it's because we need to clear our heads from all the cling and clatter due to the barrage of problems that attack us and have mounted to the brink of breakdown.
You could say I've been getting close to that point -- faking my laugh and smile, pretending that everything is fine and dandy. Then I listened to A Looking In View by Alice in Chains. That song summed up exactly how I've been feeling the past few days. Not the entire song but just certain parts, mainly the "crawling under my skin" and "boiling to the surface". A lot of heat's been generating in my head due to a lot of things that have been happening.
A lot of fury, frustration, anger and even a touch of resentment has been trying to find its way with me and you can only go for so long where you realize that you're at your wits end and that you need to somehow manage your way somewhat peacefully. You can be the anchor or the rock for people so long before it begins to give way on you. You begin to crack for the simple fact that as much of a Hercules you can be for someone, you too need someone to help you keep it together. That just happens to be what's been happening -- I've been feeling this burnout from one particular circumstance and I've been dealing with it for three years. However, the ripple effects that the particular event had have begun to manifest themselves and it's been catching up.
This led to me jetting right out of Brooklyn and into a few Ferry rides plus some time by the 9/11 wings. This is where I feel like my wings need to be renewed like an eagle's. My mind and heart are already purposed towards what I want and need -- it's just been a matter of renewing the strength of my mind and heart. I understand that, to some degree, I am viewed as a role model and a hero -- all of which I have always desired to be. That I've had the strength and fortitude for it, that's where the burnout has been kicking in.
As far as the rejuvenation process is concerned, I'm getting there. I was told by a friend of mine that I am resilient. I honestly never saw myself in that light but when I read the definition, it means, "able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions". Once I read that, my immediate response was, "yep, that's definitely me". A thing like this will jump on me now but give a less than a week and I'll be over it. Granted, there are exceptions to the rule but for the most part, I can take a good beating, still kick out from a pinfall and give you hell.
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