Symbiote

Hey guys,

It's been a while as I've been working full-time (and loving it). Meanwhile, I've continued writing 4 and I must say, the story is taking an interesting turn. Within the past few weeks, I found myself needing to break from certain ties that were close to me as a means to regain who I'm meant to be and pick up in my life where I left off. By no means is there an absence of appreciation for people that have come to my life, for good or ill will but sometimes, just sometimes, you have to break away as a means to see the bigger picture and see where you need to pick up the ball at again.

So what is it like to ride this journey, in some sense, alone again? Refreshing. Why? I needed to be reminded of who I am. Nothing irked me a bit more than to hear my family, friends and even co-workers say that I have not been myself -- that I've turned from cheerful to brooding, from bright and sunny to dark and dreary, from positive to absolutely negative. Heck, I was told that I was slowly becoming an arse and even a douchebag. A good sister in Christ of mine even pointed out that I have become distracted and unfocused. Heck, an ex-girlfriend (but a very wonderful friend) told me I needed to return to my first love (hinting at Christ).

So what do I think? I agree with all of them. Forget falling. I suffered a deafening crash. I felt it most when one of my childhood friends caught up with me and asked what had happened to me that I'm not the same amazing friend he once knew. I couldn't help but wonder if it's true. When I took a back seat by cutting a particular tie, as rash and in the cruel manner that I did, I found this to be true.

My faith had become but a mere ember. My hope is running on life support and everything that made me the man everyone would love was turning into a shell of himself. I hate it and am doing all I can to regain myself. If it meant taking a step back, so be it. I cannot allow the stresses of another soul's life, worries of a long-term commitment going dry and the pressure of keeping my cool leech onto me like a symbiote did to Spider-Man.

It's been a week and my smile is returning, my faith is crawling back to life and it's easier to be me again. It's become easier for me to stay cool and get focused. I still have my moments but I'm getting better at handling things. While at times I try to peek behind, I keep moving forward. The one thing that bothers me is how I forget that humans suck amazingly at forgiving and forgetting. While I've learned to forgive and let go, it takes time. Even though you and another person that you either offended, offended you or both may forgive each other, the pain itself remains and whomever else is close by will have their trust violated and in their eyes, you are the villain and vice versa. For me? I just let go and that's it. No use fighting, justifying, crying, whining, pissing, moaning -- I just forgive, let go and just let God's love handle the rest. When thinking about these things, here's the following phrase that echoed in my head today --

"When you begin to wish death upon someone who's wronged you, there is seriously something wrong with you"