I've been digging through my brain, heart and soul searching for an answer. It's an answer that perhaps most, if not all, of my fellow Christian friends have in mind now -- why can't I stay committed to fellowship in a church? The answer hit but it disturbs me.
I don't feel spiritually challenged. Before you get your stakes, crucifixes, holy oil and bibles ready, hear me out here. I was born and raised in a Christian environment all of my life. I was even held back from getting baptized at 12 and got baptized at 13 instead. My first challenge was getting baptized. We preach about Jesus coming soon but we slow down people from making the ultimate act of commitment? New Testament depicts many times that people that wish to follow Christ repented and got baptized (almost every time the very same day). I finally got baptized...twice. How? The first time, my face wasn't fully in. The second time, they thought I was going to drown when in reality, I was all in (and using the bathroom in the process).
Then came the fasting and prayers, the whole run about spiritual gifts and ministry. Within all of that, I pursued singing, playing guitar, poetry and writing were not far behind. I found myself starting a band back in 2001. I've preached in many churches, laid hands on people, seen blind people receive sight and have played in street parks like McCarren, played at Riker's Island, played before CCC's Senior Pastor A.R. Bernard himself back in 2005 when I was still green when it came to music itself. I've played in youth conferences, clubs, lounges and bars with all intent and purpose with bringing good music to everyone and just shining the light of goodness.
Where do you go from there? Apparently nowhere. All the hype about ministry is just that -- hype. They paint you this gigantic glorious picture and everything behind is, in fact, beautiful. The ugly side? Politics. The way Christians treat politics is every bit identical to show business. They see you, a potentially great vessel for God to use. They tell you to do all these things so that you can be used by God awesomely and have open doors everywhere. You do what's asked for "God's glory". In reality, you're told that's what it is but in reality, you're doing it to get noticed, to get famous in the church. They build you up and take you everywhere, sitting with pastors, bishops, apostles, ministers, chaplains and other musicians and preachers. Once you've sat among them and led on, you cannot stop. The second you decide to take time to put in order your personal life (since it's likely out of whack due to your excess time spent in ministry), guess what? They're looking for the next person to put in the gear! When you finally get back in, they don't look out for you anymore. You're not holy enough anymore. You're told of this "next level" of ministry that you're supposed to be in. It's like a carrot dangled in your face.
Then you turn around and realized that what God really wants you to do is be like his son Jesus -- reaching out to the alien, the fatherless and the widow. To show the love of Christ to a homeless person who got served unjustly after decades of slaving away for a living, to demonstrate to someone that may not share the same faith and lifestyle that unconditional godly love is real. Jesus spent his time, even ministry time, with thieves, sluts, tax collectors and liars. You would think that in leaving the pulpit, the stage and elite groups that you would be respected, honored and held in high esteem. Talk about delusional.
You are viewed as a backslider and corrupt when you don't see it their way. When you find out that music genre doesn't translate into lifestyle, that your apparel preference doesn't change your spiritual level at all and that being around non-believers with the intent of showing them unconditional love they may not always experience as a point of reference to Someone greater than themselves and this world doesn't affect you at all -- except your social status among your "Christian superiors".
You're now the traitor, the backslider, the hypocrite, the tainted cup, the heathen and told to youth in other churches that you're the wolf in sheep's clothing, seeking to lead them astray. As a result, you no longer want any part of those people because they now have unmasked themselves for the Pharisees they are -- false Christians. They treat their faith and congregations no different than cults, fraternities, sororities and cliques.
When you want to see what can you do when you want to re-congregate and see if you can experience spiritual harmony among them, you're no different than the next person that just became a believer/witness. You're not even remembered.You're a fragment of their memory. They have you sit and listen to everything you preached (and then some) for years as though you know nothing. You're not interested in square one. You're too old for milk or even potatoes. You're there to pick up here you left off. In frustration, sitting through meetings, studies and events, you leave in despair because you know that you will never be one of them ever again. Once an Outcast, always an outcast.