Evaluation

     First off, I wanna congratulate Michelle on gettin' her Associates. It's a step up for her and look forward to her movin' on up. In other news, after almost 25 years, milk and I are getting a divorce. Nesquik, Ovaltine and Bosco, it was great while it lasted. I'm also putting an end to pork, too. My stomach no longer takes it in as I vomited whole boneless ribs Saturday morning.

     All that aside, writing my memoir is so far quite the emotional task. This is due to the emotional and mental scars I'm busting wide open with it. Believe me, talking about how people, your connections with them and how they impact your life takes a toll and it's like re-triggering the feeling. Yet, sometimes like therapy, you gotta do it over until it no longer phases you and you become numb to it.

     In the process,I'm needing to do some thinking and evaluating. To be honest, I need everyone, friends, family and even the ladyfriend to shut the hell up and let me think for myself! I'm tired of everyone giving me their two cents about everything, trying to puppeteer my life and being told what's what like I'm a teenager. Don't expect me to give anyone pure pure in any form if I can't give myself this moment to think, pray and organize. My mind is clouded and my heart is slowly taking a toll with only a ring of hope holding it together. At least that's the picture I see in my mind.

     Meanwhile, I'm gettin' my grind back on with school this fall. I may take it a little slow in terms of how many classes but it'll do in terms of my mental health. I've got some money to save, a brain to feed, needs to be met, more weight to be lost and books to complete.

 I'm also re-evaluating friendships and people. Why? I need to know who's worth keeping around and who's being toxic to me. Your real friends are there whether you're broke or not. People who love you will love you whether you're on the verge of madness or otherwise and will do whatever it takes to get you through. If anyone feels that last one, just say, "ouch!". Love holds no record of wrongs, believes always, trusts always and rejoices in the flowering of truth. That much I can leave with you all for now.

expanding my network

Hey folks,

     Just letting you guys know that I now have a tumblr. Yes, I finally gave into the trend. Why? It's simpler and has what I liked about myspace -- that amazing level of customization. Music, photos and notes all in one in a very well-sorted and clean interface. No clutter, no madness, just simple. I'll still put up my blogs on blogspot, however, in the name of simplicity, I'll be linking it with tumblr so spare people the complication of typing so damn much or even scaling through this blog or that blog entry.

     I'm happy for Michelle as she is graduating this weekend. Sadly, I can't be at neither mass nor ceremony but I will be over at the place where all her friends will be celebrating with her. It's the least Mr. Gunz can do for someone.
   
     As far as my memoir, things are looking simple but Lord the level of emotion that is already going in! I'm only 19 pages in and it's already coming in strong. I'm also planning to do a revamp on my first two books and hook in 3ra along with them into one big book. It's a suggestion Ry made and one that I think is pretty good too.

     I'm also finding myself re-inspired musically in a gradual form. Now that the weather's feeling better, I'm in the terrace with my amp, pedals and guitar and just firing away and drawing a crowd of a random 10 or 20 folks outside of my coop building.

Later peeps,



Ron

As it ticks

Confessions 5: Moment of Clarity

     From seeing Thor, hanging out with friends in the city, seeing the lovely lady, praying, spending time with family, my thoughts have been racing everywhere.

     Thinking about what's important for me, thus far, has been easier but at the same time harder. Discerning what I need now compared to a few days (or weeks) later have been a cloudier yet clearer at the same time. Not sure if that makes any sense to anyone but hey, I'm having one of those weeks.

     Some say I wear my heart on my sleeve. Those who know me well, really well, know this to be true. I wouldn't say everyone sees it but it's there to those who look closely. You can say it's the result of all those years of keeping things bottled up. I'm talking about as far back as I.S. 318/FDR days, when I didn't tell anyone a thing, let alone even had an outlet for it all. Some find it in music, others in reading, film, working out and some (sad to say) in cutting.

     I found my outlet in writing. It's how I get a chance to clear my mind, even if at the expense of the public. I do it at that expense for one sole reason -- because somewhere, out there on this God-created but man-mismanaged world, someone is reading, someone is searching and someone out there is hoping that whatever struggle they deal with, that they're not alone. Someone out there grew up dealing with being a social outcast, feeling depressed (or even oppressed) by their church or denomination growing up, dealt with being bullied or ridiculed, had supposed friends that decide to up and leave when needed the most -- or that their life just plain sucks.

     Sure I work out. On occasion, I'll glue myself to the XBox. Sure, I take time to pray, read the Bible and fellowship, even if right now for once a week. Yes, I've got a guitar and a voice (just ask Michelle, my band or anyone that's seen me perform or play) -- but my first love when it comes to letting things out is writing. It comes ever so natural to me.


     Music's my channel to bear my soul out to God as well as people when words don't always cut it. Working out helps me physically let out my anger when it builds (just ask my co-workers how the punching bag I use looks like these days). My faith helps me discover more of who I'm meant to be and my place in this universe. Video games, like movies, give me the giggles. Writing, before the day is done, is how everyone sees me more as I am -- at least when I'm thinking.


     Speaking of cutting, I think it's only as of recent that I noticed the subject a little more. Sure, there are probably a lot more songs that hint at it, but the songs that caught my attention lately have been The Last Night by Skillet, Thorns by Demon Hunter and Take This Life by In Flames. The Last Night deals with a girl that feels like ending it all and deals with her family thinking it's only a phase and that everything is her fault. Thorns deals with someone in isolation and trying to redistribute the pain, partially fueled by disappointments with her life. Then there's Take This Life. The person's feeling miserable, wanting to end their life yet desiring to have a reason to live and have a miracle happen. Three songs from three different artists that are all recognizable yet almost three different takes on cutting, depression and suicide. Why this subject came to mind for me right now is beyond me but I felt it needed to be addressed in some form.

     If I had to what what I'm passionate about, you can say there are a lot of things. I'm a man of many passions and, at best, positive ones. I'm passionate about releasing emotions. I'm passionate about helping people and being a true friend and I'm sure as heck passionate about being an awesome man -- you can take that latter part however you wish.

Fresh May

     Have to say, while this month has started with quite the bang for me when it comes to writing, yesterday really jump started everything. I sat down to watch Joe Satriani's Live in Paris: I Just Wanna Rock and lemme tell ya -- that dvd is a trip on LSD all by itself! Definitely not your average live concert dvd, they made this very theatrical in presentation as well as in visuals.
     On top of that, just spending time with Ry to clear my head about some things in my life was refreshing, especially since hanging out was something that was long overdue.
     To put the cherry on top, I saw the midnight premiere of Thor. Time-wise, it competes with Lord of the Rings (seriously). Visually, by far, the most well-done film by Marvel. While some might argue that the Frost Giants look more like tall demons instead of icy giants, the fantastical elements of the world of Thor were well presented and at times, breathtaking. The action was well choreographed and lots of fun to watch. You get a few chuckles throughout the movie while you're at it, mainly due to Thor's initial inability to adapt to Earth's way of being, as well as not having his powers and reduced to a mere mortal. I would say from Chris to Natalie to even Anthony Hopkins, the acting was well-done. My only grip is that you couldn't tell whether Chris was in a real body, on steroids or if his body was in cgi the entire film. I say this because even with the use of blue screen in 300, Gerard Butler had convinced us still about his muscular tone and realism.
     Lately, I've been learning to just re-build on my faith, shedding my old self more and more and simply "embracing my inner man", as my friend NYC Lase would put it. There's a turning point in each of our lives, I think, when we sit down, reflect, think and realize that things from within have to change and some things need to be embraced and it just so happens that this particular moment has arrived for me.

Confessions 4: Thoughts and Arrangement

     Now that certain parts of me have been purged and laid to rest (for the most part), I'm at the state of mind of rearranging things in life. It's a little tricky only because while I have been taking steps to see myself turn around, my thoughts have also been partially jumbled. I refuse to ever play the blaming game, for as it stands, if your mind is slightly in maze, it is likely you have partial responsibility in it.

     Some of you may have heard about my thoughts on jumping to the Force. It's no longer happening. The truth is, escape isn't always the answer ot your problems -- you gotta face it all head on. I'm also certain that I'm not gonna rush losing a certain amount of weight in order to jump ship. By then, I'll be gettin' pretty old and find myself realizing that I would've better spent that time getting the other half of my bachelor's out of the way.

     While people at times can be letdowns, I'm learning to not be one. When you need them the most, a lot of times, they only pop up in their convenience. Real friends, they're there when possible and if in an emergency, are ready to show up. That sense of true friendship is something I'm learning to show and be. Furthermore, when it comes to love, I'm learning to show that level of heart in midst of it too.


     I'm still contemplating on whether or not to continue the English Education path or to switch gears and pursue graphic design. I'm a little torn due to the teacher layoffs and freeze but after finding out that my high school is one of the schools that need teachers, it makes me hang on a little bit.


     I'm currently trying to reassess my thoughts, feelings and the like. There are a lot of opinions that are trying to manipulate and take credence over what I should do or feel. However, so long as I continue to get hounded on all ends, I can never make a clear decision for the life of me. Those are the stuff that make one want to disappear and tell everyone around them off. Damn, I never thought I'd say it but for the first time, I am seriously annoyed by everyone's opinions and how their thoughts and feelings cause me to fight within myself. Like, I just want to be heard, acknowledged and for once, have my thoughts and feelings considered instead of people always giving me their two cents. This keeps up and I'll be checking in somewhere and it won't be pretty.

Hymn of the Hollow

Thought I'd try to see if putting my art on blogspot would work...and it did! Here's my latest creation, Hymn of the Hollow.

Remembering why I love Myself

Yep, this one's quite different from what I usually write but I figured I ought to do this. I'm sitting down here thinking about myself and the value within. While I can yap about my weaknesses or shortcomings, I'd much rather focus on my strengths. OF course, I found quite a bit.

1. I'm loyal and faithful - I'll never do a girl wrong and never would I backstab a friend. When I'm committed, I'm all in.
2. I'm sincere - with me, it's dangerous to the point of near-offensive but I'll say this -- neither my eyes or words have any deceit in them. My word is my bond and at this point, I've nothing to hide.
3. I'm loving - my family knows this, a particular ex-gf, despite how she feels right now, knows that this is a crucial part. I'm the guy that goes out of his way to help people 125% and sometimes am either taken for granted or not given the credit and appreciation I deserve.
4. I'm hilarious - in the face of an accident, a tragedy or hospitalization, I can always do some wisecracking, just like Spider-Man. Uncalled for? So the F what?! Laugh at the face of misery, you'll live better!
5. I'm strong - I can hold an entire family together in the midst of unexpected tragedy. Yeah folks, if there's anything I can take a righteous pride in, it's that.
6. I'm gracious - I go out of my way for people and usually never asking for anything in return. Whether it be a few bucks for a meal, pumping gas in a ladyfriend's car, paying the dinner bill or just being there for a friend who's depressed, I'm just there with my big heart.
7. I'm forgiving - I'm willing to bury hatchets, make peace (even with an enemy), forgive people of all the wrongs they've done to me and be able to move forward in time.
8. I'm stubborn - usually, this is associated with selfishness and ignorance but in my case, it's also a strength. I use my hardheadedness as a means to stay the course on a task at hand or in a situation unless it's very clear that there's no point in resuming on something. I'll fight for something until either I get it or unless it is pointless.

Confessions 3: Vengeance

I mentioned previously that I'm in the process of cleansing and cleaning out a lot of junk in my life. The biggest piece of junk of all I just recently tossed out but it still teases me on a cerebral level and it's my "other side". It rarely showed itself throughout my life but when it did, it was like, "holy crapballs man, calm down".

That's my vengeful side. I used to never get mad but instead get even. It's not me anymore. I'm doing my best to avoid letting it get to me ever again. I have been used in the past, taken advantage of and never given all that much appreciation. Being left high and dry is something I had been used to getting done to me. But like I said in the last note/blog, people will always disappoint you.

There's a reason I identify so much with Two-Face from Batman, it' due to the twisted sense of dealing with justice he applies. That's how I was at times but no more. The two-faced element also affected my church life and walk with God. In church, I seemed to have it all together and seemed all chipper but deep down I had a sense of spite, anger and feeling a sense of betrayal. This is due to being outcast all my life. Either I wasn't holy enough or was too holy. Either I was entirely timid and unwilling to talk or too eager to speak my mind.

Airing all this out is part of my cleansing process and just letting myself get purified from all the madness. Either it's this or going back to my own personal type of prison and slip to the void.

As a special request, I ask that everyone keep me in your prayers about making an important decision. Now that not a lot of things are in the way anymore and there is no one person standing in the way, I'm finally considering The United States Air Force. Spare me all the nWo/conspiracy talk. I can't stop having this dance in my head or heart...it finally rushed itself back on my mind last night. The reason? I need to start my life from scratch and unlike some, I'm actually willing to go through with it. I found the recruit base in Staten Island, therefore, nothing stands in my way with it. Just pray that the good Lord give me sound advice and if He really doesn't have this lined up in my life as part of his will, He'll stop me.

Confessions 2: The Cleansing

Everyone who read last night's note/blog know that I recently went out in the open about how I'm an absolute mess yet open, willing and ready to experience change in my life. I'll start with this -- I'm not opening myself up to change to win anyone back, nor to make fans nor to be well-liked. I'm doing this for myself because I love myself and if I can't love God nor myself fully, how can I show the kind of love that needs to be shown to others, whether it be brotherly, familial or romantic?

Part of the beginning of my cleansing was further encouraged by something Bryan told me this morning (and I paraphrase this loosely) -- forget about your agenda. We get caught up with what we want that we forget the primary goal. In my case, it's my walk. I want my talk to reflect my walk and vice versa. It's all part of growing up personally and spiritually.

I think this was for a particular purpose in my life at its current state -- I found a verse in Micah 7.5 that says, "Don't Trust Anyone -- not even your best friend or even your wife"! I was like, "whoa"! For the current moment in my life, I took it as this -- my trust needs to be in God above anyone. Your friends/girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands/peers will always disappoint you, one way or another. Want to see who your real friends are? Be broke. When they wanna hang out, tell 'em your broke. Let's see if they want to see you then. That will test if they truly care. It will separate the truth from the lie. Thankfully, that's probably the best advice my dad's given me out of many.

I'm sure that it hurt a lot of people when I went out in the open to expose my personal, as well as self-inflicted, scars. Especially people who thought they knew me all so well, thinking Ron Gunz was completely transparent. Sorry folks, there was a personal part of me that I was fighting and that was something none of you could've done for me. I just happened to finally draw the line in the sand and be like, "no secrets, time to heal". This, in itself, is a bit ironic because I'm usually the guy that has no fear in yapping my brains off about anything, even if it may piss a person or two off.

As for how I'm feeling now that's it's all out and I'm in this process? Quite liberating really. Painful though? Definitely. I'm not used to finally getting with the program and fixing myself. I'm not used to a lot of things but I'm just living and just bearing with it all. I don't have all the answers or all the solutions but I know that I'm gonna have a sense of new strength I haven't ever had and it will be noted.

Wish me the best, my beloved fans!