I'm taking this opportunity to open up to all my friends, especially my fellow Christians. I feel that, after a lot of thinking and reflecting, that a lot has to be expelled and released. I cannot live in peace nor with a clean conscience if I don't put this out there.
I have not been my true self. I have, in some way or another, either deceived some people or made them see only one side of me. Despite all my awesome qualities, it's time I let out the truth.
In 2007, that year was a year of absolute frustration and bitterness. I saw Robbed and Restored fall apart. The last straw was when Ramell left. Whatever momentum and potential we had went down the toilet. I began to get bitter. My love life was non-existent. Doors to play with others in churchs went out the window. I couldn't enjoy my church life either. My resentment began not only towards Ramell but to Bryan and even God.
In 2008, I hesitantly joined what is now Brotherhood Of Outcasts. I still had resentment and bitterness towards Bryan. My life was headed downward while he was scaling upwards. I was jealous, angry and confused. In a state of spite, I even contemplated on wreaking havoc but God definitely held my horses. It got to the point that Bryan and I were back to back and while he wanted to talk, my level of anger was as fierce as my current ex-gf's is towards me. B.O.O. had a meeting and that was a breaking point in our friendship because we weren't gonna go even half throttle if there were grudges among our bandmates. God used that opportunity to help unearth a lot of angry feelings and pain. It helped bring healing.
That year was also when my attitude towards God headed south. Dad and I were having arguments here and there and as a means to escape, I contemplated heading to the Air Force...then Bernice died. Sure, it brought the family together again but my trust in God depleted. I wished that I had been taken instead of her. I bowed out of the band for a few months in the fall to clear my head. I was also feeling weary because I felt I was carrying the emotional weight of many family members.
In 2009, I was frustrated at people altogether. People would never come to support the band at shows, let alone me. I felt alone often because of that. I began to learn what it's like to play in secular venues and how stressful it can be -- emotionally, mentally and financially. My church attendance began to decline as gigs, work and school began to be more prominent. You could say my faith was very fragile at this point. Harmony in the band was frustrating and at one point I wanted to quit music for good due to burnout.
In 2010, for a brief moment, I had burned a bridge (or tried to) with Bryan. I felt lowered and debased on a particular occasion and I chose a particular weekend day to do it. I was bitter, angry, felt betrayed and felt like absolute crap. Larry was trying to talk me out of it, Bryan was trying to reach to me, similar to a certain circumstance I'm in at this present moment. It wasn't until April that I finally chose to break my silence, pick a day and finally sit down and talk to him face to face, man to man. I let him know exactly why I burned the bridge and let out all my hurt and anger. Thank God He has a way of mending hearts.
It was also the year I lost my virginity. Yep, the cat's outta the bag folks. I was constantly ridiculed even by some peers for it and I cracked. For me, it wasn't something to save for marriage, it was something I was tired of being made fun of and I wanted out on. Any regrets? Just this one -- that I fell short before God's eyes. Did I repent for that reason? Heck yeah but the remorse and guilt traveled with me. I believe the fact that I finally broke a girl's heart later that summer was the hardest part because I swore to never break a girl's heart by dumping them...but I did.
I was also dealing with the feeling of despair all the way from end of August up to October 29th. It hit hardest October 26th and 27th. I remember the 27th I reached out to Ricky as I was on the way to school. I couldn't take the pain anymore. The feeling of worthlessness, despair, horror of loss and the desire to leave everything behind for good. October 29th was the night that I felt God's presence pierce through my heart. I began to remember what it was to feel God hug me again. I remembered that God's got his eye on me, like his eye being on the sparrow.
Then I met Michelle. I don't care what anyone says, it was love at first sight. No girl has ever caught my eye the way she did. The minute we locked eyes, dear Jesus! It seemed like the beginning of awesomeness. Not gonna lie, there were initial doubts due to conflicts she was dealing with that I will not mention out of deep respect to her for the most part. I began to remember what it was to feel a true sense of care and love for someone almost as much as you do yourself. I remember us spending Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve together. It was wonderful. I never smiled so much during the holidays since the time I got Batman & Robin on Sega Genesis!
2011 is here and I confess that I still deal with a quick temper, a level of stubbornness only rivaled and trumped by my father. I battle the feeling of worth, as certain things went down where I was like, "what the hell". Seeds of resentment and frustration began to ensue, I neglected a sense of wholesomeness that I needed to maintain and instead I let my frustrations, impulses and anger get the best of me, especially in words. As it is, I got a good line of Rosado-inherited white hairs at the age of 26!
This was also the year that I had the most special thing -- Michelle throwing a near-botched surprise birthday party @ the Renaissance diner. I'll never forget that. Up to that point though, that's when I began to learn what's it like to face real relationship problems -- whether it was listening, understanding or helping someone cope through their moments of the blues if you will.
Then the hit and run happened. I may be a walking miracle but still, I feel something like that happened due to me not knowing how to calm down and let a lady be when she needs to be alone with the blues. Frustration can lead you into saying some mislead and very mean things that, while untrue in your subconscious, can destroy relationships either permanently or for a good lengthy season. The thing with me is this -- when I know I did absolute wrong, I feel guilt on a massive scale. I find myself realizing that I need to climb back up the spiritual ladder. I'm a mess and I'm no good to anyone in a messy state. It's okay to be a mess but we're not meant to stay in the mess. I know I don't want to wallow in the messiness. I'm tired of letting things get to me and chip at me. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself as well. I'm tired, however, of everyone adding their 50 cents on everything too. I have a war within my own soul and it's a fight I must fight with only One means to really get me through.
So there ya have it folks, Ron Gunz unmasked. I had my round of frustration, anger, dirty talk, bitterness, resentment, despair and all. I'm sorry if this was too real for any of you or even TMI but a man's gotta know when to draw a line on themselves and come clean in order to live life in a clear conscience, peace of mind and wholesome relationships with people, especially with a woman they sincerely care about, regardless of anyone's opinion.
Blogs by Ron Gunz
4.27.2011
4.26.2011
as it goes on
Hey guys,
Thought I'd take some time to update and let you know what's going on. For those who read before, I did suffer a brain convulsion due to a mild concussion. For the most part, things are sort of okay, although some things I've had to bring change to.
I have to frequently wear my sunglasses, otherwise the headaches return. I'm constantly waking up with both nausea and a headache. Until it's noon, I can't eat without wanting to puke it all out.
On a brighter note, I've been listening to some tunes from all six of Johnny Cash's America albums. Yup, I'm taking a liking to The Man in Black. I'd like to thank the Undertaker for that, since his new entrance music is Ain't No Grave. I've also been informed by my band leader that I'm now the lead singer of Brotherhood Of Outcasts. Kind of a sock but if it's what the band wants, well, hallelujer! I just gotta get back into my frontman swagger, hit the weights more, lose some more weight and, as Sid would say, let the touching begin!
Thought I'd take some time to update and let you know what's going on. For those who read before, I did suffer a brain convulsion due to a mild concussion. For the most part, things are sort of okay, although some things I've had to bring change to.
I have to frequently wear my sunglasses, otherwise the headaches return. I'm constantly waking up with both nausea and a headache. Until it's noon, I can't eat without wanting to puke it all out.
On a brighter note, I've been listening to some tunes from all six of Johnny Cash's America albums. Yup, I'm taking a liking to The Man in Black. I'd like to thank the Undertaker for that, since his new entrance music is Ain't No Grave. I've also been informed by my band leader that I'm now the lead singer of Brotherhood Of Outcasts. Kind of a sock but if it's what the band wants, well, hallelujer! I just gotta get back into my frontman swagger, hit the weights more, lose some more weight and, as Sid would say, let the touching begin!
4.23.2011
Hit and Run
Hey guys,
For those that don't know the story and continue to ask, this is what happened and I will not repeat this ever again.
Thursday night I was headed to Chambers St. to hang out with my buddy Rob Cruz. I got there and unfortunately he was called last minute for overtime. So I jumped on the J to head home.
Being I was a bit down and a bit tired, I missed my stop on Lorimer St. so I got off on Flushing Ave. I get down on the elevator by Woodhull Medical Center. I'm about to cross when out of nowhere, I got hit on my right side. It was a hit and run as, whoever was driving, hit me and kept going.
I was out cold for about 10 minutes. When I awoke, I texted Michelle to let her know what was goin' on while I was coughing up some blood and had some nosebleed. I was hysterical as nothing of this nature's ever happened to me. She's urging to drive over and I'm like, "don't, I'll be fine", like the knucklehead I am.
I walked back to Woodhull and asked where was the emergency room. They pointed it to me, so I did as indicated. I checked in and sat as I waited. Not too long after, Michelle arrives with her friend Peige to check how I was doing. It was hard to look at her as she was crying and was a complete mess at the sight of me.
My blood pressure was at 168/80 and I had some pain on my right side. They asked me to give them a urine sample. Funny part was, I almost walked in on a female police officer. In shock, I apologized and laughed it off. They put me on the stretcher in the trauma room to relax. They also briefly did bloodwork on me. Mom saw me first, thanks to Michelle picking my sister and her up. Lord knows she was worried. Then my sis came in to know what went down. Then Michelle took some time to talk to me, as I wanted to speak to her too. Then, I finally saw her friend and thanked her for coming with my girlfriend and asked her to look out for her for me.
Finally, I was taken for some CAT scans. Then I was left in the trauma room on the side, alongside the rest of the miserable crowd there. The good news was that I had a very minor bruise between my right pectoral and my ribs and that everything, from my internals and my skeleton, was in tact. The bad news was some talk they did about a brain convulsion. I was nervous as hell. I didn't sleep until 8:30am more or less.
When I woke up around 10am, mom paid me a visit, followed by sitting there waiting for my bedroom, all of which I never saw until 8pm last night. Aside from the fries and Ginger Ale mom got me, I could not and did not eat anything, nor provided much of anything by the personnel there. Have to say, the staff that were in that room weren't very professional and were very much a bunch of sitting ducks instead of doing everything possible to move things along. Bad enough that some things were questionable, like telling a woman with cast-bound fractured foot to take the train or get car service when she also has a sprained ankle and a damaged wrist! A guy who was struggling with some testicles that kept squeezing themselves got barely any attention and a woman who had a hernia in you know where was being privately ridiculed behind her curtain because it wasn't shaved and smelled a little.
I finally got my room at 8pm -- when visiting hours were over! I didn't so much as even get a sandwich until 10:30pm. The nurse was a complete, sorry to say, bitchcunt! There, I said it! The next morning, though, I got a more decent nurse that hooked me up with breakfast and lunch and was a lot kinder and more respectful. Before they released me this afternoon, I asked the nurse why was there talk about me with a possible brain convulsion and that's when I was told that it was likely due to a mild concussion that I endured -- given that I was out cold for ten minutes. I think that alone crapped on my mood since. Good thing mom was with me to pick me up and take the train home with me.
I have to say, thank God it was just that and that I didn't suffer anything worse. My blood pressure, by the time I was released, was back to 117/60, so I knew I was okay. Looks I have to take things a little slow now...even mentally. Besides, while en route to my room, they almost took me into the psych ward. God forbid I end up there! I gotta admit, I did feel depressed for a few hours due to the news about the convulsion and concussion.
4.21.2011
worse than Superchunk!
Is it just me or do people suddenly need me to write new content every few days now? I'm finding that after a few days the viewership goes flat. Seriously, does this blog really leave people wanting more? I'm not in any way attempting to sound full of myself, it's just a trend I've noticed! I can't promise constant writing for this reason -- if it doesn't feel right or it feels like what I'm writing is an indirect commentary towards someone, I refuse to write it.
Recently, I finally sat down and watched Saw 7. I will go ahead and say this -- it's over! People have said the ending was too open-ended. It's only open-ended if you choose to see it that way. Gordon's only role was to protect Jill. Should anything happen, he would act on Jigsaw's behalf. I'm going to go ahead and ruin the movie for most of you -- she dies but so does Hoffman. With that said, there really is no new Jigsaw killer, as Gordon has no purpose nor reason for it. Not only that, if another sequel were in the works, it would've been announced by now. Plus...well, franchise milking would be way too obvious by this point. As far as the traps are concerned, anything after the first trap was pretty cool. The one with Linkin Park/Dead by Rising singer Chester Bennington was my favorite as it was possibly the most grotesque. The acting in the opening scenes made me cry of misery. Seriously, how dare they put such cheap copy and paste sub-standard acting!
Then I saw The Rite. To be real, great performance by Anthony Hopkins and while some of the scenes were intense, I found nothing special nor memorable out of the film. I don't know, maybe The Last Exorcism (in my opinion) shocked me a bit more. Like, honestly, I have nothing else to say about this film. I don't dislike it but I'm not amazed by it either.
Last night I was at PCC and, for me, it's another night of spiritual rehab. Except this time, I had taken off from this form of rehab in almost a month, so I kind of felt the tear in me going back. It was like yet again picking up where I left off, which is still at the beginning of recovery. While the core was about the addressing of violence and whatnot, we found ourselves in a barrage of talk about marriage, divorce, abuse in relationships (physical, emotional, verbal), wrath, pride, vanity, lust, gluttony, etc.
I couldn't help but walk away last night with this -- pride has its way of being the gateway to every other sin somehow in some form. My reason for saying it is this -- pride is always about the "me, me, me's" and anything but God-centered. I want to make big bucks, so I'll step on as many people as it takes to make it to the top. Greed due to Pride. I want that girl, so I'll sexify myself so I can bag her. Lust through Pride. That person offended me so I'll make their lives hell. Violence and Wrath due to Pride. Just name it and somehow, the sense of selfish Pride can be linked to it. It's very different when say the following occurs:
I need to make good money so I can help my family or at least have my own place so someday, I have something to offer my future wife and children to live. I desire that person because we know how to bring out the best in each other. That person offended me but you know what, I forgive them. Vengeance is the Lord's, let Him take care of them in how He sees fit, even if I may not agree with how He does it.
When a person can't forgive, that's Pride right there because they want the person that offended them to suffer in some form. When a person can't apologize for a wrong they've done, consciously or otherwise, that's Pride -- because they never want to admit any wrong and always believe they're right no matter what is or isn't said. When a person refuses to let go of something, knowing it can do them further harm, that's Pride because they deceive themselves into believing that they can fix it.
Do my words betray me? Sometimes but I push everyday to improve in not betraying my own words. I won't excuse myself by saying I'm human because these days, that's everyone's copout. Amongst ourselves there are a lot of "pet sins" if you will -- I'm just one of the people that have decided to break the silence and say, "enough is enough".
I'll close with a confession -- I've had my pet sins and on this day they're done away with. I'm tired of taking everything so personal to the point of holding grudges. I'm done with wanting to believe I'm always right, even if it sometimes hurts. I'm finished with being quick to react on something, even if I feel jumpy when I don't have to. I'm through with makin' this life all about me when, in the end, it isn't.
Recently, I finally sat down and watched Saw 7. I will go ahead and say this -- it's over! People have said the ending was too open-ended. It's only open-ended if you choose to see it that way. Gordon's only role was to protect Jill. Should anything happen, he would act on Jigsaw's behalf. I'm going to go ahead and ruin the movie for most of you -- she dies but so does Hoffman. With that said, there really is no new Jigsaw killer, as Gordon has no purpose nor reason for it. Not only that, if another sequel were in the works, it would've been announced by now. Plus...well, franchise milking would be way too obvious by this point. As far as the traps are concerned, anything after the first trap was pretty cool. The one with Linkin Park/Dead by Rising singer Chester Bennington was my favorite as it was possibly the most grotesque. The acting in the opening scenes made me cry of misery. Seriously, how dare they put such cheap copy and paste sub-standard acting!
Then I saw The Rite. To be real, great performance by Anthony Hopkins and while some of the scenes were intense, I found nothing special nor memorable out of the film. I don't know, maybe The Last Exorcism (in my opinion) shocked me a bit more. Like, honestly, I have nothing else to say about this film. I don't dislike it but I'm not amazed by it either.
Last night I was at PCC and, for me, it's another night of spiritual rehab. Except this time, I had taken off from this form of rehab in almost a month, so I kind of felt the tear in me going back. It was like yet again picking up where I left off, which is still at the beginning of recovery. While the core was about the addressing of violence and whatnot, we found ourselves in a barrage of talk about marriage, divorce, abuse in relationships (physical, emotional, verbal), wrath, pride, vanity, lust, gluttony, etc.
I couldn't help but walk away last night with this -- pride has its way of being the gateway to every other sin somehow in some form. My reason for saying it is this -- pride is always about the "me, me, me's" and anything but God-centered. I want to make big bucks, so I'll step on as many people as it takes to make it to the top. Greed due to Pride. I want that girl, so I'll sexify myself so I can bag her. Lust through Pride. That person offended me so I'll make their lives hell. Violence and Wrath due to Pride. Just name it and somehow, the sense of selfish Pride can be linked to it. It's very different when say the following occurs:
I need to make good money so I can help my family or at least have my own place so someday, I have something to offer my future wife and children to live. I desire that person because we know how to bring out the best in each other. That person offended me but you know what, I forgive them. Vengeance is the Lord's, let Him take care of them in how He sees fit, even if I may not agree with how He does it.
When a person can't forgive, that's Pride right there because they want the person that offended them to suffer in some form. When a person can't apologize for a wrong they've done, consciously or otherwise, that's Pride -- because they never want to admit any wrong and always believe they're right no matter what is or isn't said. When a person refuses to let go of something, knowing it can do them further harm, that's Pride because they deceive themselves into believing that they can fix it.
Do my words betray me? Sometimes but I push everyday to improve in not betraying my own words. I won't excuse myself by saying I'm human because these days, that's everyone's copout. Amongst ourselves there are a lot of "pet sins" if you will -- I'm just one of the people that have decided to break the silence and say, "enough is enough".
I'll close with a confession -- I've had my pet sins and on this day they're done away with. I'm tired of taking everything so personal to the point of holding grudges. I'm done with wanting to believe I'm always right, even if it sometimes hurts. I'm finished with being quick to react on something, even if I feel jumpy when I don't have to. I'm through with makin' this life all about me when, in the end, it isn't.
4.17.2011
the Underdog
I thought best to write it while the spark was still in tact. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the whole David vs. Goliath story. I simply don't get wowed at how Goliath was a big log that got stoned in the head and beheaded by a lowly kid. I don't look so much at how he got all, "eh, I'ma knock ya down in the power of God" in attitude either. I saw something else.
I'm gonna roll with this -- God seems to side with whom the majority at times consider the underdog. David was the little baby brother in the family. His own brothers and dad didn't seem to think much of him. I can image all the "WTF" faces they had when seeing he got picked to be future Israeli King. When facing Goliath, everyone was like, "eh David's gonna be lunch -- I don't see him winning this one at all". Sure enough, he knocked that punk down like a sack o' potatoes!
Elijah, another underdog. Sure, he had the rep of coming and going like the wind but no one seemed to even think much good could happen with him. They laughed at the thought of him being able to make the call for it to finally rain, let alone command fire from Heaven on his drowning altar. Ha, the second he said, "I make it rain" and it finally rained. He hollered at God for some flame on and sure enough, it popped up.
Yeah, God seems to love underdogs, or at least underdogs as a result of perception. This one might be alarming but I'll get real on it -- Jesus. Yes I said it, I went there. He, to the eyes of some, was an underdog. Pharisees saw him as nothing beyond the son of a carpenter. People that heard he was from Nazareth were like, "w-w-w-wait, something GOOD can come from THAT place?!". He didn't exactly had things in his favor in the eyes of some but oh boy were they in for it.
To go less christianese with this, I think this is why I like Bret Hart the best throughout my life when it came to wrestlers. In most matches, he wasn't super muscular, he wasn't super fast or anything super flashy. So from the start, he wasn't the guy expected to be at the top or let alone be awesome. But in the end of most of those matches, he'd surprise everyone and in the process told a good wrestling story.
I could never identify entirely with tragic heroes nor with "from the door" supermen. That's right -- Superman will NEVER be a top hero for me. Achilles sure as hell will never be there -- nothing too tragic about him -- he was just a whiny little b**** who needed to get thrown into a fight in order to get him to fight. He whined to much on his short lifetime instead of focusing on, "hey, short or long, I'll make my life at its best as can be". Now 300's Leonidas, THAT'S a hero. Win or lose, he was gonna prove, despite absence of favor from even his leaders, that he can make a supposed "God-King" bleed. Boy, did he get a good draw on first blood, too! Batman may not be super, nor as technologically advanced like Iron Man but he somehow, in the end, is the top dog. In Tower of Babel, people saw what he was capable of -- had a means, in the event of madness, of putting out of commission EVERY Justice League member INCLUDING the high and mighty Superman!
That, my friends, is the tip of the iceberg!
I'm gonna roll with this -- God seems to side with whom the majority at times consider the underdog. David was the little baby brother in the family. His own brothers and dad didn't seem to think much of him. I can image all the "WTF" faces they had when seeing he got picked to be future Israeli King. When facing Goliath, everyone was like, "eh David's gonna be lunch -- I don't see him winning this one at all". Sure enough, he knocked that punk down like a sack o' potatoes!
Elijah, another underdog. Sure, he had the rep of coming and going like the wind but no one seemed to even think much good could happen with him. They laughed at the thought of him being able to make the call for it to finally rain, let alone command fire from Heaven on his drowning altar. Ha, the second he said, "I make it rain" and it finally rained. He hollered at God for some flame on and sure enough, it popped up.
Yeah, God seems to love underdogs, or at least underdogs as a result of perception. This one might be alarming but I'll get real on it -- Jesus. Yes I said it, I went there. He, to the eyes of some, was an underdog. Pharisees saw him as nothing beyond the son of a carpenter. People that heard he was from Nazareth were like, "w-w-w-wait, something GOOD can come from THAT place?!". He didn't exactly had things in his favor in the eyes of some but oh boy were they in for it.
To go less christianese with this, I think this is why I like Bret Hart the best throughout my life when it came to wrestlers. In most matches, he wasn't super muscular, he wasn't super fast or anything super flashy. So from the start, he wasn't the guy expected to be at the top or let alone be awesome. But in the end of most of those matches, he'd surprise everyone and in the process told a good wrestling story.
I could never identify entirely with tragic heroes nor with "from the door" supermen. That's right -- Superman will NEVER be a top hero for me. Achilles sure as hell will never be there -- nothing too tragic about him -- he was just a whiny little b**** who needed to get thrown into a fight in order to get him to fight. He whined to much on his short lifetime instead of focusing on, "hey, short or long, I'll make my life at its best as can be". Now 300's Leonidas, THAT'S a hero. Win or lose, he was gonna prove, despite absence of favor from even his leaders, that he can make a supposed "God-King" bleed. Boy, did he get a good draw on first blood, too! Batman may not be super, nor as technologically advanced like Iron Man but he somehow, in the end, is the top dog. In Tower of Babel, people saw what he was capable of -- had a means, in the event of madness, of putting out of commission EVERY Justice League member INCLUDING the high and mighty Superman!
That, my friends, is the tip of the iceberg!
3.31.2011
Changing the pace
Oh the drama of human life! So my building is apparently violating human rights. Don't believe me? They won't let anyone take their pets outside the vicinity, need to walk around with ASPCA at all times to prove you own your own dog and guests aren't allowed to bring their pets. Cherry on top? Everyone is now entitled to only one dog or cat, not both.
On the other hand, school's the usual and working two jobs hasn't changed much. At least it keeps me busy. Finally learning to get myself back. The other day was a day of which I wrote letters to key people from my past as a means to make amends and close chapters in my life and move on. As one of the songs on my iPod would say, "close the door and don't look back". I honestly didn't realize that somehow, in the last month and a half, I got blurred. I found myself not acting the usual. Both my girlfriend, as well as my brother, pointed that out and I'm damn grateful to both of them for reminding me to be whom I've always been.
I look so damn forward to Spring Break, as well as the end of the semester. There will be lots of rest I've needed for a while and an adventure to behold. Well, my mind's finally blank and have nothing better to write. Just live, love, laugh and friggin' rock on!
A day later and a work shift, something hit me. There's something I'm aiming for in the next three months. As many who know me know, I talk too damn much, can be as critical as dad, beat around the bush like mom and about as adhd as one of my uncles (laughs hard)! An important thing rang in my head, "Slow to speak, quick to listen -- even if you sometimes hate it thanks to your slightly small dose of patience". Hey, in life, everyone's got their spot to grow up in and I happen to not be exempt.
I'm also learning to not take things personal nor let things itch at me easily. That in itself can be difficult because usually I'm very much a "heart on my sleeve" guy at times. Again, just another part of learning, experiencing and growing up. Sure I'm 26 but as someone once told me, "So long as you live, there's always something to learn. The day you stop, either you're dead or you've become too full of yourself".
On the other hand, school's the usual and working two jobs hasn't changed much. At least it keeps me busy. Finally learning to get myself back. The other day was a day of which I wrote letters to key people from my past as a means to make amends and close chapters in my life and move on. As one of the songs on my iPod would say, "close the door and don't look back". I honestly didn't realize that somehow, in the last month and a half, I got blurred. I found myself not acting the usual. Both my girlfriend, as well as my brother, pointed that out and I'm damn grateful to both of them for reminding me to be whom I've always been.
I look so damn forward to Spring Break, as well as the end of the semester. There will be lots of rest I've needed for a while and an adventure to behold. Well, my mind's finally blank and have nothing better to write. Just live, love, laugh and friggin' rock on!
A day later and a work shift, something hit me. There's something I'm aiming for in the next three months. As many who know me know, I talk too damn much, can be as critical as dad, beat around the bush like mom and about as adhd as one of my uncles (laughs hard)! An important thing rang in my head, "Slow to speak, quick to listen -- even if you sometimes hate it thanks to your slightly small dose of patience". Hey, in life, everyone's got their spot to grow up in and I happen to not be exempt.
I'm also learning to not take things personal nor let things itch at me easily. That in itself can be difficult because usually I'm very much a "heart on my sleeve" guy at times. Again, just another part of learning, experiencing and growing up. Sure I'm 26 but as someone once told me, "So long as you live, there's always something to learn. The day you stop, either you're dead or you've become too full of yourself".
3.21.2011
77
All my readers know that, regardless of what I say, I have more questions than I have answers, more dreams than I have plans, more heart than wit. Today was a very difficult day. It was a day of which I kind of wanted to stay asleep until it skipped. I'm pouring my damn heart here but as much as I wanted to be happy, I looked more blue than Mega Man or Sonic the Hedgehog. With exception to work or around family or my buddy Sid, I was an emotional wreck. You know you are when you find yourself crying in the train on the way to work as well as on the way home. Things could've happened today but it truly pays to have some longtime friends that truly love you in the end.
Then I had a high school flashback -- when I had depressive tendencies where I even questioned God's very presence about some of the bullcrap I endured growing up in church and dealing with being a bit of an outcast all of my life due to a lot of overprotection. Take it or leave it, this really woke me up today and put me at ease. I had a bookbag in high school that's now gone but remembered this being written in white out on it:
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and I would not be comforted.
3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.
6 I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
7 “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
16 The waters saw you, God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water, the heavens resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
all from Psalm 77
Then I had a high school flashback -- when I had depressive tendencies where I even questioned God's very presence about some of the bullcrap I endured growing up in church and dealing with being a bit of an outcast all of my life due to a lot of overprotection. Take it or leave it, this really woke me up today and put me at ease. I had a bookbag in high school that's now gone but remembered this being written in white out on it:
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and I would not be comforted.
3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.
6 I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
7 “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
16 The waters saw you, God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water, the heavens resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
all from Psalm 77
3.19.2011
Reflections
Yeah, I know, what the heck am I doing on a lovely night indoors. Well, truth is, there's no one to really hang with at this present moment and have decided to sit down and reflect. After all, I'm turning twenty six.
I find myself in wonder at how things can change over the years. You could even say aspects of me have grown, altered, stood the same and so forth. Thanks to my girlfriend, the reflection I'm doing has a bit more vision.
Would I say I'm a bit sheltered? Perhaps but I guess the isolation protected me from Lord knows so much. Too optimistic? Maybe, yet someone's got to bring about some sunshine in the midst of our rainy mess. I find that my faith has changed over the years. My approach, the way I feel or walk have somehow changed too. My old high school bud Shani once told me to never change for anyone. Truth is, one has to change over time.
I still have the mushiness of a teddy bear, the heart of a lion and the strength of a fierce battering ram, yet I can no longer say I have the same faith I once had. I experienced my faith rattled by tragedies that have occurred, whether it be a personal one or one that someone I love has experienced. One can easily shrug everything off and say, "God's in control" but nowhere has it been said that we don't have the right to have questions about how God does things. Being a bit of a bible nerd, even I recognize that the Bible doesn't answer every question. There are still some I have no answers to and some people I know still have questions about.
With two jobs and a half-time student, let alone a waning social life, there are still changes I pray to see come into flow but won't necessarily happen over night. Patience is a virtual but Lord is it a pain in my testicles! There are still things I wish to have known or want to know, things I've yet to experience. If there's one move I'll be making either end of this year or early next year, it's finally getting my own place. At 26, perspective changes and you begin to see them as they are. The average young person is highly idealist and usually wanting to dream their butts off -- and then real life happens. Dreams won't die, life just happens to let you know that every dream will come to its own but there are the bigger things that have to be taken care of first.
I've seen people die, heard stories from friends about the abuses they endured, held people that were falling apart together. I've seen demons, glimpse of heaven and seen my surrounding world change. I would've never thought I'd be in the position I'm in or even be in a state of our country where conviction is being forgotten and an economy shaken to its core.
I've apparently just overcame my quarter-life crisis and it feels good to know that the best is yet to come. I have some giants to topple and overcome and some dreams to slowly watch become reality but it'll all happen in time, with the Lord's help.
My walk with Christ has taken a drastic change and even the falling, toppling and stumbling has helped change things. While I may still look at God as Lord, I can no longer see him as just a judge, executioner and always vengeful. I don't see myself as just a mere minister or servant. I see our relationship as it is, my Lord but also my friend. The shadow of hope over my moments of despair if you will. I don't discount facets of Him that make him holy, just, judge and whatnot but I'm able to see more of him as not only my Lord but also my friend that's still around when everyone else has fallen by the wayside.
I find myself in wonder at how things can change over the years. You could even say aspects of me have grown, altered, stood the same and so forth. Thanks to my girlfriend, the reflection I'm doing has a bit more vision.
Would I say I'm a bit sheltered? Perhaps but I guess the isolation protected me from Lord knows so much. Too optimistic? Maybe, yet someone's got to bring about some sunshine in the midst of our rainy mess. I find that my faith has changed over the years. My approach, the way I feel or walk have somehow changed too. My old high school bud Shani once told me to never change for anyone. Truth is, one has to change over time.
I still have the mushiness of a teddy bear, the heart of a lion and the strength of a fierce battering ram, yet I can no longer say I have the same faith I once had. I experienced my faith rattled by tragedies that have occurred, whether it be a personal one or one that someone I love has experienced. One can easily shrug everything off and say, "God's in control" but nowhere has it been said that we don't have the right to have questions about how God does things. Being a bit of a bible nerd, even I recognize that the Bible doesn't answer every question. There are still some I have no answers to and some people I know still have questions about.
With two jobs and a half-time student, let alone a waning social life, there are still changes I pray to see come into flow but won't necessarily happen over night. Patience is a virtual but Lord is it a pain in my testicles! There are still things I wish to have known or want to know, things I've yet to experience. If there's one move I'll be making either end of this year or early next year, it's finally getting my own place. At 26, perspective changes and you begin to see them as they are. The average young person is highly idealist and usually wanting to dream their butts off -- and then real life happens. Dreams won't die, life just happens to let you know that every dream will come to its own but there are the bigger things that have to be taken care of first.
I've seen people die, heard stories from friends about the abuses they endured, held people that were falling apart together. I've seen demons, glimpse of heaven and seen my surrounding world change. I would've never thought I'd be in the position I'm in or even be in a state of our country where conviction is being forgotten and an economy shaken to its core.
I've apparently just overcame my quarter-life crisis and it feels good to know that the best is yet to come. I have some giants to topple and overcome and some dreams to slowly watch become reality but it'll all happen in time, with the Lord's help.
My walk with Christ has taken a drastic change and even the falling, toppling and stumbling has helped change things. While I may still look at God as Lord, I can no longer see him as just a judge, executioner and always vengeful. I don't see myself as just a mere minister or servant. I see our relationship as it is, my Lord but also my friend. The shadow of hope over my moments of despair if you will. I don't discount facets of Him that make him holy, just, judge and whatnot but I'm able to see more of him as not only my Lord but also my friend that's still around when everyone else has fallen by the wayside.
3.15.2011
open-minded?
Probably one of the things I grew up seeing, since high school the earliest to recent memory, was the whole concept of being open-minded. A good concept nonetheless, especially when it comes to learning and experiencing life as it comes. But what happens when you use that terms as an excuse to have no conviction?
That's probably one of the problems I saw emerging as I have been living -- the people that I was engaging with, once in a while, many times, emphasized on being open-minded yet when you boil down to what convictions they have, uh, not much is there. Sure, the most constant thing we see happening in life is the inconsistency of things but where do we draw the line and say, "all things considered, this is what I believe and this is where I draw the line"?
That's the problem I face when it comes to some churches and some movements i.e. Emergent church for example. Sure, Jesus spoke in parables but He also spoke some harsh words. The whole concept of just saying, "Jesus is truth" is nice but it loses meaning and purpose when no one opens up the discussion or have the balls to say, "what we mean by Jesus is truth is...". Relevancy is also becoming a sad, pathetic joke. I will quote my friend Larry on this, "the more secular and humanist the world shifts, the less relevant the church will be".
Call me a right wing conservative to some degree if you will but the thought of parts of the body of Christ wanting to exchange truth in the name of relevancy and not offending people defeats the entire purpose. I recall Jesus saying that we'll be hated for His name's sake. Sorry Westboro Baptist Church but you don't qualify on that part since all you speak of is hate and anything but the call to draw close to Christ so that He may draw close to us. Sure, Proverbs mentions something along the lines of, "when a man's ways please the Lord, even his enemies will be at peace with him" but keep in mind, that isn't always the case.
One thought did come to mind, of which I'll which I'll leave open for discussion, is this -- many times we want to call on God ask Him for help but often we forget the fact that before He can do anything, we do need to repent before His feet. I think that we've been so transfixed on getting, needing or wanting help for ourselves that we've forgotten that little thing called humility -- you know, that which makes us come before God and say, "Lord, before I even dare to ask for help, I want to confess that I've messed up a whole lot in my life. I'm sorry for all the times I ignored you completely and how it came down to this in order for me to turn to You. I humble myself in the here and now not only for help but more importantly forgiveness and cleansing". Don't remember who said it but he/she was right -- man, on his own, is quite vain and prideful.
I, being a Christian by choice since 1998, refuse to sell out any ounce of my beliefs in the name of cultural relevancy, saving face with people or even as a means to make people happy. Do I rub my faith in people's faces? Not really -- there's a time to speak and share but there's a time to shut up and listen. There are stories of people dying to be told. Within many of these stories, there will be questions asked of which we may not have an immediate answer or an answer at all.
There are still answers that, despite being a Christian, I don't have answers to nor answers that can simply be given. Like, why let the young ones be taken from this life instead of taking from us those who are ready to go or deserve to be taken? Why has he spared me from so much insanity in my life meanwhile a girl I really care about was forced to endure some really terrible things? Why do you heal x, y or z person but not heal a, b or c person? None of these questions are that simple to answer. Even after reading the book of Job, it doesn't answer everything.
That's probably one of the problems I saw emerging as I have been living -- the people that I was engaging with, once in a while, many times, emphasized on being open-minded yet when you boil down to what convictions they have, uh, not much is there. Sure, the most constant thing we see happening in life is the inconsistency of things but where do we draw the line and say, "all things considered, this is what I believe and this is where I draw the line"?
That's the problem I face when it comes to some churches and some movements i.e. Emergent church for example. Sure, Jesus spoke in parables but He also spoke some harsh words. The whole concept of just saying, "Jesus is truth" is nice but it loses meaning and purpose when no one opens up the discussion or have the balls to say, "what we mean by Jesus is truth is...". Relevancy is also becoming a sad, pathetic joke. I will quote my friend Larry on this, "the more secular and humanist the world shifts, the less relevant the church will be".
Call me a right wing conservative to some degree if you will but the thought of parts of the body of Christ wanting to exchange truth in the name of relevancy and not offending people defeats the entire purpose. I recall Jesus saying that we'll be hated for His name's sake. Sorry Westboro Baptist Church but you don't qualify on that part since all you speak of is hate and anything but the call to draw close to Christ so that He may draw close to us. Sure, Proverbs mentions something along the lines of, "when a man's ways please the Lord, even his enemies will be at peace with him" but keep in mind, that isn't always the case.
One thought did come to mind, of which I'll which I'll leave open for discussion, is this -- many times we want to call on God ask Him for help but often we forget the fact that before He can do anything, we do need to repent before His feet. I think that we've been so transfixed on getting, needing or wanting help for ourselves that we've forgotten that little thing called humility -- you know, that which makes us come before God and say, "Lord, before I even dare to ask for help, I want to confess that I've messed up a whole lot in my life. I'm sorry for all the times I ignored you completely and how it came down to this in order for me to turn to You. I humble myself in the here and now not only for help but more importantly forgiveness and cleansing". Don't remember who said it but he/she was right -- man, on his own, is quite vain and prideful.
I, being a Christian by choice since 1998, refuse to sell out any ounce of my beliefs in the name of cultural relevancy, saving face with people or even as a means to make people happy. Do I rub my faith in people's faces? Not really -- there's a time to speak and share but there's a time to shut up and listen. There are stories of people dying to be told. Within many of these stories, there will be questions asked of which we may not have an immediate answer or an answer at all.
There are still answers that, despite being a Christian, I don't have answers to nor answers that can simply be given. Like, why let the young ones be taken from this life instead of taking from us those who are ready to go or deserve to be taken? Why has he spared me from so much insanity in my life meanwhile a girl I really care about was forced to endure some really terrible things? Why do you heal x, y or z person but not heal a, b or c person? None of these questions are that simple to answer. Even after reading the book of Job, it doesn't answer everything.
3.12.2011
writer's block can be hell
Yes I know, I've barely written a damn thing as of late but hey, life's been busy and haven't had much of those thought-provoking moments that I haven't voiced out in a while. When it hits, it seems to hit pretty significantly but when there's not enough or none at all, it's best to keep quiet instead of forcing anything.
With that said, I'm in the mood for some brief movie reviews! Like some, I've seen the amazing Black Swan. I thought that, while the plot was simple on paper and it kind of felt run of the mill, where it is the most striking is how it eventually messes with your head once you see that a blur between fantasy and reality is present. Natalie Portman, by far, delivers her best performance since V for Vendetta.
Love and Other Drugs, while to some, is just another chick flick, showcases a great performance on Anne Hathaway's part. Be warned, you thought Halle Berry was revealing on Monster Ball, you ain't seen squat! Hathaway does a good delivery on portraying what seems like just a girl trying to have a good time, she hides behind it to disguise her struggle with Parkinson's. As that unveils, the guy, who seemed like he was going for the big lay, falls in love with her and discovering her disorder becomes the test to his love for her. Yes, I know, sounds like A Walk to Remember but don't worry, they don't get the same ending!
With that said, I'm in the mood for some brief movie reviews! Like some, I've seen the amazing Black Swan. I thought that, while the plot was simple on paper and it kind of felt run of the mill, where it is the most striking is how it eventually messes with your head once you see that a blur between fantasy and reality is present. Natalie Portman, by far, delivers her best performance since V for Vendetta.
Love and Other Drugs, while to some, is just another chick flick, showcases a great performance on Anne Hathaway's part. Be warned, you thought Halle Berry was revealing on Monster Ball, you ain't seen squat! Hathaway does a good delivery on portraying what seems like just a girl trying to have a good time, she hides behind it to disguise her struggle with Parkinson's. As that unveils, the guy, who seemed like he was going for the big lay, falls in love with her and discovering her disorder becomes the test to his love for her. Yes, I know, sounds like A Walk to Remember but don't worry, they don't get the same ending!
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